A few years ago, I conquered my metaphorical mountain. It was hard. The pain was emotionally, physically, and spiritually excruciating at times. Because survival was my imperative; my beacon, I didn’t give much thought to how I would feel once I processed my repressed memories. Intuitively, I knew that in order to live, I had to discover and accept the congruent timeline of a dark and deeply buried past, and then learn how to manage the triggers that sometimes rendered me feeling helpless and hopeless.
At times, I wondered, when my story is told and I am standing in my truth…What will happen next? How will I feel? How would I incorporate living with the effects of my trauma, and the resulting PTSD? Would I go from a person with “no past” to a person who was just a mental illness?
I knew I wanted to live my life with my eyes wide open, to let go of the person I was not! I had a desire to own my story, my truth; to work through the torture and come out with a thick gnarly scar that proved to my inner child, my soul, my mind that I made it through.
I learned to reach out and ask for help. I learned to be vulnerable, and attach. I learned that my life will probably be learning and relearning coming back to the present when the ice-cold skeleton hands begin to creep up my spine and rock my sense of safety. It was all about healing, surviving, and distress tolerance tools.
I’m deeply proud of the courage it took me to conquer my mountain. I white-knuckled it to the top and back down. But didn’t learn the soft skills I needed to comfort and love my inner child, my soul, and my mind. I found that I was in the place of, After the Story-Now What?
In the initial phase of my healing journey, I was working on letting go of who I wasn’t, but it did not help me discover who I am? I was in the throes of survival and didn’t have the capacity at the time to leave room for hopes, dreams, maybe’s, affirmations, peace, and contentment at the deep soul level.
Today, I was reminded of a wonderful talk by Arthur Brooks at the Aspen Ideas Festival, titled: Strategies for happiness in life. I remember feeling so inspired by the points he made in his talk. In summary, Don’t rage against change, teach others what you know, take away the parts of you that aren’t really you, and surround yourself with love.”
After the Story, while standing in my truth I can incorporate the wise suggestions of those who I look to for support, I can trust the difference I can make in the world around me, with the hope it has a ripple effect. I can live a content life, knowing that strong feelings and emotions about my past will come and that they will also go. I can surround myself with a like-minded and loving family and friends. Most importantly for me (presently) is that I can continue to learn and practice compassion and enjoy my insatiable curiosity about life, people, and how we’re all connected.
I don’t have to turn away from the mirror ~ I don’t have to run away from the mirror that is held up to me by others.
Before I shared my story and lived in my truth, I courageously survived. After sharing my story, I courageously live, and dream, and hope, and affirm that the statement, “I am ____,” is fluid with growth, change, and resilience.
Thank you K E! ♥️
LikeLike
You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are growth personified.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Mariana!
LikeLike
Pingback: A million little miracles. – Forever Akoth
This is a touching story. The road to discovering who we really are and getting to live instead of surviving is a rough one.
Well written mate
LikeLiked by 1 person
What will happen, after we’ve, reclaimed our own truyhs, is that, we will finally be able to, slowly, move on, to finally, get past, what had, happened to us when, we were, younger, but that, is, never easy, because, a lot of us, are currently, stuck in the, anger, and/or, denial phases, of our, separate healing, processes…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing. This is beautifully said. I agree, its well worth the journey and the pain to grow into our unique being. ❤️
LikeLike
There is so much of us existing beneath the trauma. we don’t get to discover that until we develop the capacity to reflect on and hold all of the splintered fragments and give them a place or ‘air’. its such a long long journey..but well well worth every ounce of pain we have to embody in order to grow into the unique beings we are. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes! That would be awesome!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Michele ♥️
LikeLike
Thank you for the reblog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is fabulous!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow, Linda I would absolutely LOVE that!! Maybe someday we can do that. If you are ever in Minnesota…or if Im ever in your neck of the woods we would make that happen! ♥️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Ashley. I have been in a very reflective mood the last year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
beautiful and so moving. Godspeed.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Pingback: Sue's Pen 2 Paper Blog
Reblogged this on Elah Ministries, Inc. and commented:
At the end of every dark tunnel is light.
LikeLiked by 1 person
oops, and like you…
LikeLiked by 2 people
There is always light at the end of the darkest tunnel. And like, and others, I have been there and now walk in light.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I wish I could sit outside with you on my back patio on a pleasant spring day, drinking tea or coffee or whatever your favorite beverage is, listening to the birds singing in the trees and talking, or not talking, just being together as healing friends. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is very beautiful!! So coherently described what it is like on the other side of it all.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s amazing that you’ve come to this place!
LikeLiked by 2 people