How Confusing!

It’s common for survivors to feel confused when traumatic events take place. Also, we can experience extreme confusion during the healing process as we learn to make sense of our past and live in the present. 

I typically don’t use the word confusion when I think about my symptoms.  What I manage is fear, triggers, anxiety, trouble with concentration, and hypervigilance. 

Recently, one of my perpetrators shared some information with me that caught me off guard. Unconsciously, I pressed “play” on an old tape and started to feel protective over this person. That’s when the confusion began.

Thankfully, It didn’t take long for me to catch the antiquated messages I was telling myself. I stopped believing that this person needed my protection.  I assumed that because I stopped listening to the old programming of, “protect your perpetrators” that I was fine.

But, I wasn’t fine. My footing was off. I became dysregulated in my thoughts and feelings. I was becoming fearful that I was losing control of my mental health. How confusing!

For six days, I was becoming increasingly agitated. Because I hadn’t told anybody, I wasn’t able to name what was bothering me. I started to notice the cold, dark, skeleton hands of the past begin to crawl up my spine, and a sense of hopelessness was starting to take hold. It was very confusing!

After disclosing what had happened to my therapist, she (as always) helped give me perspective; the root of why I was feeling so off. As we were talking, I experienced an initial A-ha moment, then confusion set in.

I was confused that I could be caught so off-guard by this person. I was also shocked (as I always am) at how my brain and body can often go spiraling in a myriad of ways when the past sneaks in. 

I’ve regained most of my footing, and the icy cold hands of the past that were crawling up my spine have retreated once again. I know there may be times when I feel those metaphorical hands again. That is the nature of what I manage and I’m learning to take it all in stride with an open heart and self-compassion. 

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

image source, Pexels

33 thoughts on “How Confusing!

  1. Adam

    So glad you were able to share your troubles by talking with someone to help you. Stay strong and keep telling your story. Your words will help inspire more to do so. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for sharing. The reactions that we have can be so unnerving at times. I’m really sorry that you got triggered so badly a few weeks ago. I hope that your body has reset and you are able to find some peace at the moment. Yeah, I am so grateful for the good trauma therapists out there, who just really get it! Take good gentle care of yourself. ❤️

    Like

  3. My body gets very dysregulated around abusers or those who hurt me but because i needed their love i can deny this and so I bury the symptoms in my body so they become confusing. to the point I collapsed for two days a few weeks ago.. I so get this.. I am glad your therapist helped you to understand I would be lost without mine..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It was relatable and timely too. 🙂
    When stumped for an idea a blogger friend offered that we should just say something rather than nothing. Now when I’m stuck for a normal post I’ve been finding that a random thought can turn into so much more if I just start talking. They’ve been some of the most popular posts. Who knew. I agree trust the process, You have lots of thoughts waiting for a chance to get out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for your feedback. I didn’t know when I wrote this morning that this would be relatable. I’m so glad that it is.
    I’ve really missed everyone. I had major writing block and didn’t know what to do with the blog. I think I just need to trust the process. I absolutely depend on this community to help me stay on my healing journey. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  6. ❤️❤️❤️Linda, your feedback always means so much to me.
    I’ve had the worst writers block for about a year bit this morning at 2:30 I had to write.
    One of my questions before I hit publish was, would this be relatable or helpful. I decided to just go for it.
    I have been thinking and praying for you, hoping you and your husband are feeling healthy.
    Thank you, for being You!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts resonate with me and my life today. I’ve been dealing with confusion lately but hadn’t considered this source for it. It makes sense now that you mention it. ♥ It’s nice to see you again. It’s been a while and we’ve missed you.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I read this post this morning and wanted to reply then, but I was interrupted by a long phone call.

    The first thing I want to say is how brave you are to face this, to write about it, and to post it on your blog. The second thing I want to say is a great big Thank You, because what you said here has helped me understand some of what I have been feeling lately.

    You are Awesome, Alexis. ❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. We no longer have that therapeutic connection with someone. We lost it due to quarantine and Telehealth. We are trying to build a new bond. It takes time.

    Your experience is a cautionary tale for us: we don’t like contact with people from our traumatic past

    Liked by 2 people

  10. https://tamarakulish.com/

    I’m always amazed and in awe of your healing journey! Truly we’re always learning, healing and growing, no matter what we’ve come out from!
    Thanks for shining a light on this for us all!

    Blessings,
    Tamara

    Liked by 3 people

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