For most, there are times when parenting is overwhelming. Sprinkle in a newly diagnosed mental illness and you have a recipe for loneliness, isolation from other parents, depression, enhanced fear of messing up the kids, and an exhausting (sometimes bleak) future outlook.
Depending on the age of the children, there is a fluid process of deciding what to share while learning to cope with your illness. It’s important to let the children remain children. They may be old enough to help with caregiving needs, but there is a line between caregiving and placing them in a parenting or therapist role.
As I was coming to terms with my past and began to understand the effects that my trauma had in my everyday life, my world turned upside down. I felt terrible all the time, as the pain of the past oozed out in fierce emotional waves, that sometimes found me dissociating as the only way to cope.
Trying to maintain a semblance of family and what I thought it should still look like, had me feeling depressed and overwhelmed. It was hard to believe that things would get better and have a positive outlook that healing could happen.
Mental illness does not just affect one person, it affects the whole family. There is an ever-changing definition of “normal.” My son called each stage, our new normal. He said that new scenarios that were initially confusing and scary (mom can’t work anymore, can’t be alone, or hop in the car to run to the grocery store) turned into regular life as the family adjusted.
Going through therapy for trauma and beginning to come to terms with a mental health illness can be a very lonely, confusing, and scary existence. However, It does not have to be an alone existence. Find support!
Although we often feel like we are hanging on by our last parental thread, it is an amazing show of strength to ask for help. I tip my hat, to people who risk asking for help, especially when it comes to parenting. It’s often hard to initially confide for fear of being judged.
I understand how frightening that can be! It was terrifying to let myself trust people enough to help me with parenting those first few years that I was in intense therapy.
The old adage that it takes a village to raise a child was for me, ever-present while I was going through the worst of my symptoms. I learned that I had to learn to trust the process, ride the waves, and keep my eye on why I wanted to heal. I understood that to be the parent I wanted to be, I had to face my past and learn to live with the effects of my trauma that manifests as PTSD.
Parenting is difficult. Parenting with a mental illness (or any illness) brings a whole new level of challenges. Recently, I’ve had some candid talks with my kids, who are now adults. I understand that when I got sick, certain things were imprinted on their young minds. The unconditional love they felt was strong and steady, but the everyday routine of their lives was altered in a frenzy of unchartered, waves of an ever-changing family dynamic, and new normals.
My youngest went from feeling secure and living the life of a carefree teen to worrying about her mom’s health, the financial structure of her world, and the helplessness of watching me suffer through some pretty harrowing PTSD symptoms. That shaped her intense need/drive to get the best college education she can, to make the most money she can make to take care of her family in case we ever need anything again. She puts immense pressure on herself which is hard to watch sometimes. I believe that if she hadn’t seen me get so sick, that she may have picked another easy-going career.
I understand that due to my illness my kid’s sense of who they are, and what they need to do to feel comfortable in the world was probably altered when my complex PTSD manifested. That makes me sad, and I had to deal with a lot of guilt. That being said, even though they are affected by their past (like us all) I can see, and they tell me that they are okay mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially. They have gotten the support they need to live the best life for themselves right now.
It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a world of acceptance to understand that 1 in 4 people struggle with a mental illness. With emotional support, parents with a mental illness can raise well-adjusted children. Children that one day will fly from the nest, carrying into the world a strong base of unconditional love and support, and the knowledge that it is okay to ask for help.
Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
Thank you, Kimie ❤️
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This is a great perspective 🤍
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Yes, it absolutely does. 💕
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Thank you! It sounds like your stepson has good support.
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Excellent. Thanks for the insight, puts into perspective my stepson’s TBI (traumatic brain injury) that all involved participate to create evolving normals.
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Sara. It sure helps to know that we are not alone doesn’t it! ❤️
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Thank you, Jared. That means so much to me. ❤️
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Thank you for sharing. As a parent I struggle regularly with the fear of passing the negative effects of my trauma onto my children. They are my greatest source of motivation to seek help when all other parts of me wish to withdrawal.
This is such an important topic and such a great reminder of how critical it is to reach out for support. Thank you for sharing.
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Great Post Alexis. Hang in there. My heart goes out to you.
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Thank you, Tim!
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Great content!! Nice post!! The points highlighted in the post are very useful..
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Thank you! 😊
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Mental illness are poorly understood. Thank you for sharing & Keep going!!!! You are brave 😌
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Thank you, James. 😊
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Thank you for writing so honestly about such a difficult but important topic.
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Thank You, Nicole 💐
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Reblogged this on Art by Nicole Corrado.
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Im so glad you shared your experience with me Denise. Its always a tricky dance to talk about parenting anyway, but to open up that we do it with an illness is vulnerability for sure. Have a great Sunday. ❤️❤️
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Good grief… can’t agree more. I so relate to your experience it’s almost eerie.
Dealing with my PTSD symptoms turned our world upside down. I discovered people are quick to help if you have cancer or a death in the family but mental health? Not so much. It’s a very lonely and misunderstood world.
Once I got on the other side, helping break down the barriers and increase understanding and compassion is my passion.
You are clearly doing the same thing. 💞
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It absolutely can get better. And as long as there is unconditional love and acceptance for who they are your kiddos will know they are loved and safe. It sounds like you are doing great. ❤️
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These kids aren’t hit or sexually abused. They are nurtured as best we can. We still yell sometimes and it’s less than before we started therapy. We do our best. Spouse is nurturing and calm and big-hearted. Feelings matter here!
We need parenting, too. So much hurt and missed out on soothing nurturing. Try to get that from therapy: therapists help as we learn to provide internal parenting.
We are isolated mostly. It’s always sooo heartening to hear it can get better! Your words are hope for some of us. Yay for you! Doing your best
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That compassion and passion to share and support others with PTSD is hugely important to me.
For me also.
The Buddhist taught me that the gift, our experience, our blog, my group and your books, the giver us, and the receiver our audience are all equal.
Those I help support gives me real pleasure and maybe happiness. Sharing reinforces what we know and need to observe.
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Thank you for your insight and support Marty. That compassion and passion to share and support others with PTSD is hugely important to me. Im grateful I have found ways to be able to do that.
I didnt know that it impacts women 2 to 1 except for war. Thats really interesting! Thanks for sharing. Im glad we’ve connected.
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Thats a great way to put it Ashely. I like the concept of humanizing mental illness.
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Great post. Those who have lived ptsd can identify with terror this disorder brings into our life.
Dealing with family, friends, work and life changes drastically.
For me, a parent was my abuser throughout childhood. My dysfunctional family needing to look perfect, disowned me when I asked for help.
The path to healing brings enormous challenges.
Those who have never experienced their nervous system upside down or their fight or flight mechanism firing 40 times a day.
Sorry about your daughter but she has taken action to protect her family. Emergency room doctors and nurses, EMT people and cops get ptsd from experiencing trauma second hand.
Your daughters experience ignited her compassion center and love for you.
Your love for your kid and actions overpowered PTSD symptoms.
I believe those of us who have healed, coming back to share and supports other ptsd sufferers are needed.
You are helping many. PTSD impacts women 2 to 1 except for war.
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I think that’s such an important point about kids growing up knowing that it’s okay to ask for help. Having a parent with mental illness, especially a parent who’s actively reaching out for treatment, can be such a great way to humanize mental illness for these kids.
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