Okay Universe, I’m listening!

It’s finally Spring and gorgeous where I live. We endured a brutal winter, and a snowstorm in April, but now there is a definite shift and it’s Spring. Yesterday, to celebrate the warmth, I took my dog for a car ride.  Besides noticing all the other dogs smiling with their heads hanging out of their car windows, I took note of all the people out for a walk. As I passed a certain intersection I said aloud, “I hope you’re doing okay!” It was a shout-out to someone I haven’t consciously thought about in quite some time. He is always in my heart, but I haven’t seen or talked to him in over ten years.

This morning, I bounded out of bed and was compelled to go for a walk. Right now, right then, no waiting until after morning coffee or breakfast, I just needed to go for a walk. I grabbed the dog and out the door, we went. As we were rounding the corner a truck stopped on the side of the road. A man got out, and said, “Alexis, is that you?” I was stunned! The person who got out of the truck was the good Samaritan who helped my daughter after she was hit by a car while crossing the street eleven years ago. The person I was thinking about yesterday, the one I sent out the message of,  “I hope you’re doing okay.”

Was this just a bizarre coincidence? Maybe! We both live in the same city so perhaps it was bound to happen. But it hadn’t happened in all these years until this morning.

I’ve had a trying and unsettling two weeks. Feelings and emotions that I had continued to minimize throughout my healing process have found their way to the surface leaving me with a choice. Continue to repress, or begin to honor what is bubbling to the surface. It may sound like an easy decision, but it wasn’t for me.

I knew I wouldn’t be retraumatizing myself or opening old wounds, but I would be revisiting some feelings and emotions at a much deeper level. That’s not a comfortable exercise. The result is more healing, but it’s never easy for me to work through the truth of my past.

Part of healing from PTSD is being able to tell your story as much as you need to and want too. That takes a tremendous amount of trust in the person you are talking too. I have a lot of attachment issues as a result of my trauma. Trust is hard; even with a wonderful therapist.

I kept questioning, why is this happening now? Why am I having these feelings? Why do I want to share my story? I already shared it, processed it, shared it again and processed more. Then I stopped.

I’ve written a couple of posts lately, wondering if  I was shaming myself into silence again. My therapist kept reassuring me that it’s okay. I’ll know if and when I need to go deeper. I didn’t think I would ever want to go deeper. But apparently, my mind and body are ready. My PTSD symptoms have left me feeling terrible and I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

The other day, my therapist asked me, “do you trust me?” I didn’t even hesitate, I answered, “Yes, yes I completely trust you.” She then said,” I was safe, she was safe, the people I know and love are safe, and that it’s okay.”  I believe her. I know the nature of PTSD. Sometimes symptoms will be greater than other times. But, I also know that some of my symptoms will lessen if I do a little more work.

I don’t know why now is the time to work on these emotions and beliefs. But, I do know this: When my daughter got hit by the car, that was the “event” that broke the illusion that I could control my snow-globe world I had created. When I hung up the phone after talking to her in the ambulance, that is when I heard the sound of glass breaking in my head and had the most intense flashback of myself sitting alone at a tiny airport. When I got to the hospital 20 minutes later to be with my daughter, I met the person who ran across four lanes of traffic to help her. When my daughter recovered from her injuries that is when I could no longer repress my past and I began to heal. I have healed a lot, and I live the best life I can with complex PTSD. Yet, some things are bubbling to the surface.

Maybe the why now doesn’t matter. Maybe what matters, is that its time. My body, mind, and spirit are telling me that it will be okay.  That all conspiring universe knew ten years ago, that I was ready and it was time to begin to heal, and I trust that it knows now.

So, Okay Universe, I’m listening!

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

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31 thoughts on “Okay Universe, I’m listening!

  1. Hugs right back! 🤗
    I’m still kind of amazed that the sky doesn’t fall when I share. It gets easier and also helps to not attach to the narrative in my head once I get it out.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Listening is underrated!! Seeing your daughter’s hero again is Amazing and bound to be filled with emotion. So happy for your choices. Enjoy beautiful weather inside and out! 💕💕

    Like

  3. Thanks Emma. Its really validating to know that some of the initial feelings resonated with you too. Its a strange thing to try and describe sometimes isn’t it!
    Im glad we both are on that long and winding road to recovery. Peace to you my friend. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a long and winding road to recovery, your story is totally different to mine yet I found interesting parallels, especially how you describe the breaking of the protective “snow globe”. I felt very similar after my car accident, and also the roots of my PTSD went back to something traumatic that happened years earlier.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is such good news. Sharing your story, many times, is so vital in the healing process. That’s what I’ve been finding in my journey. It seems there will always be a need for one more time. The Universe is always listening to your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you my dear friend! This was a hard one to write this morning. Oh how many times throughout the years have we shared these trust universe questions and answers. Have a wonderful weekend. I hope everything has started blooming in your garden and the fountain is turned on. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Shelley Bauer

    Such a GRAND answer from the Universe! No coincidence. I believe when we are truly listening with our trusting heart we can hear the vibration of these communications…what a gift you received!
    Thanks for sharing Friend! Sending you hugs across the waves and encouragement along the next step.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I couldn’t even imagine going through such a scary endeavor with any of my children. Your words gave me goose bumps reading about how this man showed up when seemingly out of nowhere. I trust that the universe is definitely sending you a sign it is listening to you and it most certainly got your attention!
    Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

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