Eight years of muscle straining, oxygen deprived, mind exploding, grief-laden work to manage the grip of the skeleton hands of the past.
The rocky terrain and deep crevasses that held the traps of programmed words ready to pull me down into oblivion were navigated at a snail’s pace of impatient mindfulness.
Deafening winds and echoes of the past kept knocking me down, pushing me sideways, making it hard to grip the rope.
After every storm passed
I took the time to rest in the snow caves of acceptance.
So many times, wanting to give up, give in to the beast of symptoms.
But trusting, knowing, that my Sherpa would guide me through the sharpest peaks and deepest valleys.
Summiting many times, thinking there were no more hidden mountains.
Then catching glimpse of the last, gnarly climb looming just around the bend.
Everything inside me screams, “No, leave it!”
I intuitively understood that climbing all but that last steep incline would leave me stuck, and breathless. Allowing space for the blinders to slowly creep back into place.
I push through. One last climb to release the locked, cold grip of the past.
Then quietly, I make a gentle descent.
The thick, foreboding, dangerously tricky mountain range emerging steadfastly behind me.
Scar tissue replaces open wounds.
I work to try and accept my abilities in the wake of my past.
A sense of accomplishment for not giving in to the siren call of hopelessness fills my fragile, resiliently strong whole self.
Committed to finishing that arduous climb and having trust in a committed therapist gave way to a quiet, gentle descent.
With calloused feet on the tender ground
I exhale gratitude every day.
Today, with the mountain range in the distance
I continue to heal on flat land with a warrior tiger as my teacher.
The quiet descent to tender ground holds fast and strong with truth,
with acceptance, and unwavering commitment to living in the light even on the darkest days.
Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
©words and photo: Alexis Rose