Alone or Lonely

On By Alexis RoseIn Blog, PTSD

Am I learning to be alone
or am
I drifting into silent loneliness?
Are my mindful days, and the lack of a constant urge for change considered resting 
or am
I drifting into an abyss of blackness?
Is my contentment to be okay with a sparsely filled calendar, an awakened new period of self-discovery and growth
or am 
I retreating into stasis? 
Is my lack of desire to control the dust on my shelves, or obsess about the number of times I exercise living with ease
or am 
I being lazy?

I wasn’t well enough to be alone for long periods of time the past nine years as I was combatting my symptoms of PTSD. Now, I’ve been allowing myself to be unscheduled, rest, write, read novels, look forward to things, and finally acknowledge how hard I’ve worked to get to this place. 

Now, I yearn to be alone for long periods during the day. To sit, rest, and if it happens, deal quietly with the triggers when the skeleton hands of the past try to pull me back down. 

For me, loneliness can sneak in when I’m in a room full of people. Maybe part of that was my fear of what would happen if I’m left alone with my own thoughts. Now I know, that I can choose to be with people, or be by myself, and experience that sensation of, “oh, there you are” without fearing that the volley of anxiety and flashbacks, and decompensating into the void of not being okay.

Yesterday I wondered aloud if, although content, I was feeling lonely. Today I wake up and understand that yes, I’m content, and also for the first time I’m learning to be okay, being alone with myself. That being alone is not loneliness.

image source: Pixabay

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

57 thoughts on “Alone or Lonely”

  2. Oops … 😣. Actually, i have a lot to say on this post but really not sure… thought-provoking post and certainly where i reside today. I will be able to glean more from your posts as i read. Thankful for you… 🕊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Thank you award | NOT MY SECRET…My story…My truth

  10. Oh I can relate so much to this Kelly. Im learning to trust myself more and more, but when my negative self talk starts it can so south pretty quick. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

    Like

  11. It’s brave to admit how difficult it can be to definitively understand an emotion, or the driving force behind a behaviour, I’m often tied up in knots about the, “am I caring for myself or being lazy?” thing when i don’t do something on my, ENDLESS, to-do list!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Hi I just found your post and I was thinking about how grateful I am not to have the responsibility of taking care of family and the freedom it bring as well as the time we have to explore our life and take it to where we want to go.

    Sure we get those skeletons making us yearn for love or a relationship, and there are many ways to deal with this. Jumping into a relationship and starting a family out of fear of being alone can have long lasting consequences. It is wiser to make sure your a good match with someone before you decide to spend or share a part of your life with someone.

    I am glad I found your post, I found it because I just wrote a post called
    “Living Alone, My Reality Check” and nice to see someone else out there living this life.
    I was sitting alone feeling grateful for the time I had by myself and glad that I did not have the pressure of taking care of a family and free to do as I like but still felt some need for companionship, so I decided to write about it like you did, and it helped.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. kuldeepsingh1910

    🌹💞💝👏👏🙊🌹
    *आँखे बंद करने से..*
    *मुसीबत नहीं टलती .!*
    *और .*
    *मुसीबत आए बिना ..*
    *आँखे नहीं खुलती…*

    *छल* में बेशक *बल* है
    लेकिन
    *प्रेम * में आज भी *हल* है..
    🌴 🌹💞💝👏👏
    आपका दिन मंगलमय हो
    Good मॉर्निंग

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Thank You, Daisy. ❤️
    Im so energized knowing that is a relatable way to be, to feel, instead of holding my breath before hitting publish, thinking this was an unrelateable way of being in life. Whew! Helps to know others walk similar paths. Have a wonderful weekend my friend.

    Like

  36. this was an amazing post.i understand your feelings and i guess some alone time with your self is…quite relaxing.thinking things,laughing at the happy times… it might do you good and also bad. don’t sit alone if you don’t want to.some times people can change or make you happy.
    😊
    stay happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I relate so strongly to this. I sometimes feel so complete and at one alone in a way I often dont with others, but self doubt can sneak in as society does not affirm solitude…but it is where we really connect to spirit and soul. Wonderful post. 💕

    Like

  42. From my experience, Alexis, what you are experiencing is very much similar to what happened to me when I intentionally sought solitude as often as possible. I questioned everything, my natural self sort-of rebelled and caused a great deal of anguish. I knew in my soul it was good though even though it felt terrifying. Emerging on the other side a changed being. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  47. Thank You…its such an odd place to be right now. Thinking, Am I “normal?” Do others feel this way? Is this okay? So glad to know that others also question these things. 😃❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  51. I’ve gone through this too where you wonder if you’re being more mindful and calm or lazy! The latter is the crazy mind’s way of getting to engage again. Restfulness and quiet is brought by Grace. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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