Am I learning to be alone
or am
I drifting into silent loneliness?
Are my mindful days, and the lack of a constant urge for change considered resting
or am
I drifting into an abyss of blackness?
Is my contentment to be okay with a sparsely filled calendar, an awakened new period of self-discovery and growth
or am
I retreating into stasis?
Is my lack of desire to control the dust on my shelves, or obsess about the number of times I exercise living with ease
or am
I being lazy?
I wasn’t well enough to be alone for long periods of time the past nine years as I was combatting my symptoms of PTSD. Now, I’ve been allowing myself to be unscheduled, rest, write, read novels, look forward to things, and finally acknowledge how hard I’ve worked to get to this place.
Now, I yearn to be alone for long periods during the day. To sit, rest, and if it happens, deal quietly with the triggers when the skeleton hands of the past try to pull me back down.
For me, loneliness can sneak in when I’m in a room full of people. Maybe part of that was my fear of what would happen if I’m left alone with my own thoughts. Now I know, that I can choose to be with people, or be by myself, and experience that sensation of, “oh, there you are” without fearing that the volley of anxiety and flashbacks, and decompensating into the void of not being okay.
Yesterday I wondered aloud if, although content, I was feeling lonely. Today I wake up and understand that yes, I’m content, and also for the first time I’m learning to be okay, being alone with myself. That being alone is not loneliness.
image source: Pixabay
Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
Thank You, Jeanne
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oops … 😣. Actually, i have a lot to say on this post but really not sure… thought-provoking post and certainly where i reside today. I will be able to glean more from your posts as i read. Thankful for you… 🕊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Rebecca 💞
LikeLike
So so insightful 💜 such a fine line between loneliness and being alone, Thank you xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Thank you award | NOT MY SECRET…My story…My truth
Exactly, you wise up to it!
LikeLike
That can be so true sometimes for sure. Its this weird kind of one sided conversation where you know intuitively to keep it surface and only about them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think that says a lot about communication. Some people are too self absorbed to be interested in you enough to really find out how you are feeling.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh I can relate so much to this Kelly. Im learning to trust myself more and more, but when my negative self talk starts it can so south pretty quick. Thank you so much for sharing with me.
LikeLike
It’s brave to admit how difficult it can be to definitively understand an emotion, or the driving force behind a behaviour, I’m often tied up in knots about the, “am I caring for myself or being lazy?” thing when i don’t do something on my, ENDLESS, to-do list!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You 💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is great that you are able to find contentment being alone. Yeah, I think for some it comes easy but for me, like you I had to learn that it was okay. Thank you for sharing. 😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
So beautiful and wise!❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is an important distinction to learn. I was so conditioned to not feel ok with being with myself. But then most company didn’t give me the contentment that I am now able to find on my own.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Its amazing how that works sometimes isnt it! 💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I feel more lonely when I’m around other people than I do when I’m actually alone.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank You, Sam 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautifully authentic Alexis 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thats a good feeling, to know we aren’t alone. 😃
LikeLike
I read this and didn’t fell so.. alone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi I just found your post and I was thinking about how grateful I am not to have the responsibility of taking care of family and the freedom it bring as well as the time we have to explore our life and take it to where we want to go.
Sure we get those skeletons making us yearn for love or a relationship, and there are many ways to deal with this. Jumping into a relationship and starting a family out of fear of being alone can have long lasting consequences. It is wiser to make sure your a good match with someone before you decide to spend or share a part of your life with someone.
I am glad I found your post, I found it because I just wrote a post called
“Living Alone, My Reality Check” and nice to see someone else out there living this life.
I was sitting alone feeling grateful for the time I had by myself and glad that I did not have the pressure of taking care of a family and free to do as I like but still felt some need for companionship, so I decided to write about it like you did, and it helped.
Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🌹💞💝👏👏🙊🌹
*आँखे बंद करने से..*
*मुसीबत नहीं टलती .!*
*और .*
*मुसीबत आए बिना ..*
*आँखे नहीं खुलती…*
*छल* में बेशक *बल* है
लेकिन
*प्रेम * में आज भी *हल* है..
🌴 🌹💞💝👏👏
आपका दिन मंगलमय हो
Good मॉर्निंग
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You!
LikeLike
Great read. Thanks for sharing
LikeLiked by 1 person
It really does, Alexis. If we are aware of that then maybe we can nip those negative inner messages in the bud ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You! 😊💕
LikeLike
Such delicate writing, gentle insights. The truth in the healing being done shines through. Best wishes. A.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank You, Daisy. ❤️
Im so energized knowing that is a relatable way to be, to feel, instead of holding my breath before hitting publish, thinking this was an unrelateable way of being in life. Whew! Helps to know others walk similar paths. Have a wonderful weekend my friend.
LikeLike
I know this feeling. You write with such courage and passion x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes that is so true. We can learn to be our own best friends. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You! You be happy too, my friend! 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is so well said. When self doubt comes knocking and we start doubting ourselves, that can unravel that peaceful place. Thank You for sharing with me. ❤️❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
its good to be alone sometimes, gives us time to regroup. xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
this was an amazing post.i understand your feelings and i guess some alone time with your self is…quite relaxing.thinking things,laughing at the happy times… it might do you good and also bad. don’t sit alone if you don’t want to.some times people can change or make you happy.
😊
stay happy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I relate so strongly to this. I sometimes feel so complete and at one alone in a way I often dont with others, but self doubt can sneak in as society does not affirm solitude…but it is where we really connect to spirit and soul. Wonderful post. 💕
LikeLike
Just click on your blog! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thats sooooo true!! 🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow! This is so encouraging to read. Im so glad to know that the need for solitude is a positive step in our growth journey. Thank You so much for sharing this with me. 💕
LikeLiked by 3 people
You are not alone really 🙂 x
LikeLiked by 1 person
From my experience, Alexis, what you are experiencing is very much similar to what happened to me when I intentionally sought solitude as often as possible. I questioned everything, my natural self sort-of rebelled and caused a great deal of anguish. I knew in my soul it was good though even though it felt terrifying. Emerging on the other side a changed being. Thank you for sharing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You, Amybelle. Its a strange place to be, and Im so glad to hear thats its okay. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can completely relate to this. For the first time ever I have had to learn to be ok on my own. It is scary, but easy once done x
LikeLiked by 2 people
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
When you learn to love the time spent with yourself you learn what you actually want in life and stop wasting time on things that don’t make you happy
Great post
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank You…its such an odd place to be right now. Thinking, Am I “normal?” Do others feel this way? Is this okay? So glad to know that others also question these things. 😃❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thats great insight and validation. Thanks Shruti. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You, Oneta. 😊
LikeLike
I can relate to this so much. Although I haven’t quite figured out the answer yet. You expressed it so beautifully ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’ve gone through this too where you wonder if you’re being more mindful and calm or lazy! The latter is the crazy mind’s way of getting to engage again. Restfulness and quiet is brought by Grace. 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
I am happy for your contentment. Peace is blissful in any circumstance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️ Thank You, Brigid. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was wonderful to read this Alexis.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome☺😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You! 😊❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautifully written.☺ by the way, I nomimated you for versatile blogger award.☺
LikeLiked by 1 person