Resting In My Thinking Place

I have found myself deep inside that thinking place of mine.  I don’t hang out here very often. I believe it’s because for the past nine years I have been in an almost constant goal-setting mode while learning to live with PTSD, and experiencing great growth and change.  I haven’t really allowed myself to just sit and think for a while.

Resting in my thinking place I have been pondering change. Change is a fact of life. Our bodies change, as do our cognitive abilities. Our circumstances change, the weather changes and so do the seasons. We change our minds, our clothes and our cell phones. Sometimes we embrace change, but sometimes change can be frightening. The fear of the unknown, and the anticipation of what could be can often be paralyzing; the feeling of vulnerability can prevent us from moving forward.

But change is inevitable. There are unforeseen events that occur daily. Some may feel insignificant or be a nuisance such as a flat tire. Some are life-altering such as the diagnosis of a terminal illness or a disability that has progressed to the point of impacting income streams. Even then, we have the ability to choose how we handle the challenges in our lives. We can use the momentum of change to keep growing as a person.

Since I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have had to change almost everything about my life. I had to learn how to cope with sometimes debilitating symptoms, adjust to the dramatic change in my financial situation, understand the continued lasting effects of my trauma, and accept that my ability to be self-sufficient is now somewhat limited.

I realize that nothing stays constant and there is always change. In the context of what I am writing about,  I believe there are two kinds of change. One is the day-to-day events that happen all around us, and the second kind of change is mindful and purposeful. It takes courage to work through both. It is a courageous person who is willing to purposefully seek change and personal growth.

Right now, we have some incredible life changes to navigate in my family. My husband has had to face his continued decline in his abilities due to a neurological disorder, called Essential Tremor. As a commercial cabinet maker, the fact that he is no longer able to use his hands to successfully do his job has been devastating for him. Yes, he knew this day would come, but I’m not sure you can ever be prepared to hear, this day is here.

The change in my family has brought to the surface an immense amount of fear and anxiety for all of us. Fear for the future, fear of declining health, and fear of the unknown. It also brought out anger, disbelief, confusion, and definitely grief.

In my thinking place, I smile at the knowledge that change also can bring compassion. It has been amazing in my life the amount of compassion and support I receive. I have seen the same compassion, support, and offers to step in and help from people, who are the voices of reason and action when emotions run high, and decisions seem impossible as my husband deals with new challenges.

We also must have self-compassion. To be as kind to ourselves as others are to us. To stop the negative self-talk, and shame spiral that often brings us down to a level where we begin to shut-down and push away. Taking responsibility for our lives and having self-compassion brings a sense of freedom and empowerment. With that freedom, a calmness and understanding create the peace of mind, the knowledge that things change, it’s inevitable and that is part of living a very lived life.

As I think about all the change I have experienced in the past nine years, and now what my husband must face, I acknowledge how huge this undertaking has been. Allowing myself to feel tired, introspective, and content, I can rest in my thinking place. I’m not sure what happens next…Maybe I’ll have to think about that.

image source: pixabay

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

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37 thoughts on “Resting In My Thinking Place

  1. Thank You Marcos. Yes, that quiet place can be challenging sometimes yet so important. I hope you are finding peace in your meditation. Thank you for your support. 😃❤️

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  2. I’ve just returned–after several years hiatus–to zen meditation, and your essay reminds me a bit of that, going to that place of quiet. Your husband–he’s in my thoughts. And PTSD, yes, a constant struggle. Your words are inspiring.

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  3. I have heard SSD is a crazy process and I am not looking forward to the day I have to do it. A lot of people have been pressuring me to do it now, but I refuse to! I wish you and your husband lots of luck. One thing at a time and things will work out. I am here if there is anything I can do for you!!

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  4. Thanks Alyssa. I appreciate this. I know this is just a moment and we’ll get through it. I think once life settles down and he eases into a new normal (not sure if you are familiar with SSDI but it is a terrible process) it will all be well. I have complete trust that ultimately this is all going to be much better. You know better than most what its like to have a progressive condition, its hard to for my husband to keep finding the balance when a new normal sets in. I try to tell him that its his hands that shake its not his mind, but Im not the one who has to be in public with shaky hands nor lose my career. I appreciate your support and know that I support you as well my friend. 😊

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  5. It seems like you are and your husband are dealing with some difficult things in life right now. I am so terribly sorry for the struggles you have been faced with. It takes a strong and courageous person to admit to the hard times in life and find ways to make it through them. I think it takes a stronger person to acknowledge feelings and rise above them. I just told my mother earlier today, as she is battling mental issues once again. But I told her it takes a strong person to admit to a problem and do what needs to be done, whereas it takes a weaker person to just ignore the issues. Your post had so much meaning and emotion in every word and I thank you for sharing! I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and sending y’all LOTS of happy vibes!!

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  6. Sounds to me, like you’re, still working through what happened to you when you were younger, and all i can advise you is to keep on working on yourself, and dig deeper, into your heart, soul, and memory, to get everything out into the known, and once things are in the known, there will be huge storms you will be faced with, but, have faith, that you can, handle it, and that everything will work out on its own.

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  7. Aww, thank you. I am not doing too bad. The discomfort I am having is actually a lot less than I expected after this surgery. Mostly I just feel tired. Also a bit anxious to know the results of the biopsies, which I may find out tomorrow during my follow-up appointment.

    There does not seem to be any change in my daughter’s father’s condition. My daughter is trying to figure out a way to get to England to see him. I wish I had the money to buy tickets for her.

    I know that you know only to well how that feels, when your daughter is hurting and you cannot take the hurt away.

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  8. Thanks so much for your insight. Carpentry is so hard on your body and the dust, and chemicals, whoa! Im so glad your body had recovered. I just know that this is a springboard for a healthier life for my husband after a long 26 year career.
    Have a good evening my friend. 😊

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  9. “It is a courageous person who is willing to purposefully seek change and personal growth.”

    Challenges to life will inevitably come. It matters how we handle these changes as to how much they will impact us. We need to move it into the area of personal growth in order to benefit from any change no matter how foreboding it may seem at the moment.

    I’ve done carpentry for a living a time or two. It is hard on the body and the respiratory system. While doing it I was enjoying it so much that I didn’t notice, but when circumstances dictated that I couldn’t, that’s when I noticed the health issues that sprung up because of it. The good part: because I didn’t keep pushing, my body has recovered and I can still enjoy it time to time as new projects come up.

    I wish you and your husband the best!

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  10. Ohhhhhhh….Im excited to get extra Irish thoughts and blessings. I have always thought of Ireland as a magical place. I think Im going to wrap myself in those blessings this evening. 💞

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  11. I Cannot even begin to tell you how timely your comment is. I heave tears in my eyes. Thank You so so much! I know this is a beginning and everything will be okay. Thank you for the love. ❤️❤️

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  12. Your thinking place sounds like a really worthwhile space. I hope you find new, unexpected positive opportunities opening up to you both. Extra special Irish thoughts and blessings are with you. X

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  13. I’m so sorry about your husband and his job too, which I can imagine, along with what you face, is incredibly difficult; the worry and the anxiety about the future is natural (I’d be surprised and worried about you if you said you were totally okay!) Accept how you’re feeling without trying to push it away, make room for those feelings, and take your time. The future can be terrifying to think about but all you can do is manage the best you can right now, with the current situation. You will be okay, both of you. You will find a way through this, just take your time. Sending love to you both… ♥

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  14. I will be praying for you and your family, that doors will open for your husband so life can continue to move forward. It’s amazing how, just when we think life is over an unforeseen opportunity arises and suddenly there is hope again. May good things rise out of the ashes.

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