Dedicated to all the survivors I’ve met and the ones I’ve yet to meet along the way. For those who have found their voice and those who are still working on finding it. Silence can mean so many things…this is my interpretation of how the silence felt.
The silence was the worst sometimes.
That moment when an abusive event ends.
The silence is sometimes the most uncomfortable part of being hurt. It’s a strange feeling to see someone who has just hurt you in ways that are abhorrent just turn around and walk away.
Watching them leave. It felt as if they were also taking a little piece of my spirit with them leaving another tatter, another rip in my already shredded soul.
It wasn’t very often that my abusers would say anything when they are finished.
The feeling of invisibility was palpable.
No yelling, crying, blaming, scolding; they just simply finish and leave. It’s a rather powerless feeling because they don’t acknowledge me, or what they did.
That spirit shredding powerlessness left me with a dark heaviness.
I’m sure sometimes I was crying as they left. I know I was certainly in enough pain physically, emotionally and psychologically to cry. But often I would just stare at them as they walked away.
Watching them go, I sometimes asked myself, why did that happen to me?
But other times, I silently observed as they moved away from me as if I didn’t exist.
As if what just happened didn’t really happen at all.
Their demeanor towards me was complete neutrality. It was as if I was a stranger who was just in their airspace, detached in a way, that if they saw me on the street in five minutes, they wouldn’t even remember who I was.
There was always that little while, no matter the place, the who, or the when something happened, that the “after” was accompanied by a thick silence.
Alone, with my mind now telling me, “okay, it’s over; stand up, clean up, unconsciously compartmentalize what just happened, and move on to survive whatever comes next.
The silence can be the worst sometimes.
image source: Pixabay
Thank you for reading my new book, If I Could Tell You How It Feels, available in both ebook and paperback from Amazon.
Thank You!
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Beautiful silence ❤ ❤ ❤
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me too
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You’re welcome 😊
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Thank You! 💕
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Your voice is strong and true. Your time of silence is over
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Kenzie, just so sad, and at the same time Im so glad you mouthed those words. Im so glad you have and continue to tell your truth. 💕
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After an assault, when my abuser turned his back to me, I silently mouthed the words, “I hate you”, and prayed he would not return.
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🤗
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I love that you found your voice, and now silence is about connecting. Just so lovely 😊
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I’m grateful that my words touch you in a meaningful way. I value the connection we share. So glad we found each other! 🙂 (I’d give you hearts, but I don’t know how.
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My pleasure. Thanks for allowing me to do so. 🙂
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I was really moved by this blog. I could feel the loss and deep grief of the incredible silence. I was silent most of my life. Thank goodness I have found my voice. Now I love sitting in silence and connecting to all that is.
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Good,👍👍
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Thank you, your words warm me…
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Thank You!! You are most definitely inspiring. 😊
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I love this piece. You are truly magnificent. I love how you dedicated this to those who have broken their silence and to those who have yet to. You are inspiring6 in every aspect and I hope to inspire others with my story and words as you have. Thank you.
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Thank You so much for reblogging this post. 😊
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This is so poignant, brave and heartbreaking. There is just layer upon layer of what happens to us with abuse. It’s like the effects of the trauma oozes into every cell. I think that is often overlooked and misunderstood. But we as survivors get it, don’t we?! Im just so honored that you shared (and share) your experiences with me. Thank You! Im so glad we’ve connected. ❤️❤️
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Thank You Patricia. Im glad we are on the healing path together. You inspire me all the time, with your writing, honesty, creativity and photography. ❤️
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Reblogged this on I Walk with a Limp and commented:
Silence, as it relates to childhood sexual abuse, can be devastating. In this post, Alexis powerfully shares how the Silence that came with abuse affected her.
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This post really resonated with me – as do all of your posts. At first, I thought that the laughter from my abusers affected me more than their silence. My brother would often have a smug look on his face when he was finished with me and would swagger out the door like he was proud of himself. When I was gang raped, the boys all walked away laughing with each other as they left me on the ground in a battered heap. But it was the silence that came later when they were gone, that was the worst. When I was left all alone to deal with the aftermath of what they had done to me. And also the imposed upon silence – being forced to keep quiet upon threat of death. Thank you for sharing.
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The depth of pain matches the depth of power in this expert piece of writing shared with such raw honesty and courage. You are truly a leader.
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Thank You, E ❤️ I feel the same about you! 🙏🏼💕
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Alexis I don’t think I breathed while I read this. Painfully and yet beautifully accurate. Thank you for giving words and meaning to our now broken! silence. I’m so grateful to know you. ❤️
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For that healing we are all grateful! ❤
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Wow, what an interesting observation! You always leave me with something to think about. A fabulous gift.
Yes, I totally have processed this. I was in a meeting yesterday and we were talking about the silence that is inflicted by perpetrators to keep them safe by keeping victims silent and how hard survivors are on themselves when they finally share what happened. It takes a while to let go of the lies abusers tell your soul. But it can be done and healing can and does happen. ❤️
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The thought that this struck within me was one of soulless people feeding off your soul for survival. It’s out there. Not a few still walk in this land without a soul, having given it up to wealth, fame, or sheer perverseness. They need the energy of the living to continue in this life.
The silence you felt afterward though, …decision time. How would you let it affect you? From what I’ve seen, you’ve gained your energy back, and positively redirected it. Bravo! This is the path to erasing and overcoming an unwanted past.
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Your very welcome 🙏
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Thank You, David 🙏🏼
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Reblogged this on Removing The Veil and commented:
For anyone that has ever been through abuse, please read this from Alexis. God bless you all…
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Thank You my friend 😊
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Good post
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Im so glad you did too! ❤️❤️
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Yeah i agree. the silence is the worst. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I’m glad I broke that silence. xo
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I’m glad we can share our journey together… x
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I just really love how insightful you are. So glad we’ve connected. And, Yes, survivors are magnificent people. ❤️
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Ohhh, I love this!
It gave me goosebumps! ❤️
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To go through this and still carry on, a survivor should be so proud of themselves… x
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It’s during silence that you can hear the angles talk.
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