Silence

On By Alexis RoseIn PTSD

Dedicated to all the survivors I’ve met and the ones I’ve yet to meet along the way. For those who have found their voice and those who are still working on finding it. Silence can mean so many things…this is my interpretation of how the silence felt. 

The silence was the worst sometimes.

That moment when an abusive event ends.

The silence is sometimes the most uncomfortable part of being hurt.  It’s a strange feeling to see someone who has just hurt you in ways that are abhorrent just turn around and walk away.

Watching them leave. It felt as if they were also taking a little piece of my spirit with them leaving another tatter, another rip in my already shredded soul.

It wasn’t very often that my abusers would say anything when they are finished.

The feeling of invisibility was palpable.

No yelling, crying, blaming, scolding; they just simply finish and leave. It’s a rather powerless feeling because they don’t acknowledge me, or what they did.

That spirit shredding powerlessness left me with a dark heaviness.

I’m sure sometimes I was crying as they left.  I know I was certainly in enough pain physically, emotionally and psychologically to cry. But often I would just stare at them as they walked away.

Watching them go, I sometimes asked myself, why did that happen to me?

But other times, I silently observed as they moved away from me as if I didn’t exist.

As if what just happened didn’t really happen at all.

Their demeanor towards me was complete neutrality. It was as if I was a stranger who was just in their airspace, detached in a way, that if they saw me on the street in five minutes, they wouldn’t even remember who I was.

There was always that little while, no matter the place, the who, or the when something happened, that the “after” was accompanied by a thick silence.

Alone, with my mind now telling me, “okay, it’s over; stand up, clean up, unconsciously compartmentalize what just happened, and move on to survive whatever comes next.

The silence can be the worst sometimes.

image source: Pixabay

Thank you for reading my new book, If I Could Tell You How It Feels, available in both ebook and paperback from Amazon.

40 thoughts on “Silence”

  13. I was really moved by this blog. I could feel the loss and deep grief of the incredible silence. I was silent most of my life. Thank goodness I have found my voice. Now I love sitting in silence and connecting to all that is.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. I love this piece. You are truly magnificent. I love how you dedicated this to those who have broken their silence and to those who have yet to. You are inspiring6 in every aspect and I hope to inspire others with my story and words as you have. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. This is so poignant, brave and heartbreaking. There is just layer upon layer of what happens to us with abuse. It’s like the effects of the trauma oozes into every cell. I think that is often overlooked and misunderstood. But we as survivors get it, don’t we?! Im just so honored that you shared (and share) your experiences with me. Thank You! Im so glad we’ve connected. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  22. This post really resonated with me – as do all of your posts. At first, I thought that the laughter from my abusers affected me more than their silence. My brother would often have a smug look on his face when he was finished with me and would swagger out the door like he was proud of himself. When I was gang raped, the boys all walked away laughing with each other as they left me on the ground in a battered heap. But it was the silence that came later when they were gone, that was the worst. When I was left all alone to deal with the aftermath of what they had done to me. And also the imposed upon silence – being forced to keep quiet upon threat of death. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Alexis I don’t think I breathed while I read this. Painfully and yet beautifully accurate. Thank you for giving words and meaning to our now broken! silence. I’m so grateful to know you. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Wow, what an interesting observation! You always leave me with something to think about. A fabulous gift.
    Yes, I totally have processed this. I was in a meeting yesterday and we were talking about the silence that is inflicted by perpetrators to keep them safe by keeping victims silent and how hard survivors are on themselves when they finally share what happened. It takes a while to let go of the lies abusers tell your soul. But it can be done and healing can and does happen. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  28. The thought that this struck within me was one of soulless people feeding off your soul for survival. It’s out there. Not a few still walk in this land without a soul, having given it up to wealth, fame, or sheer perverseness. They need the energy of the living to continue in this life.

    The silence you felt afterward though, …decision time. How would you let it affect you? From what I’ve seen, you’ve gained your energy back, and positively redirected it. Bravo! This is the path to erasing and overcoming an unwanted past.

    Liked by 3 people

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