I have practiced mindfulness and yoga for close to twenty years now. I have had some fabulous teachers, read wonderful books and have developed some deep-rooted connections. I quietly accepted that I was the weird one, until the practice of mindfulness, meditation and yoga reached mainstream.
My PTSD struck hard nine years ago and has continued to have a huge chokehold on my life.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
This past weekend I traveled with my son back to my hometown. I was there for a celebratory event and the mood was light. I was feeling fine when I was inside and socializing with family I hadn’t seen for years. However, when I had to go outside or get in the car to drive anywhere I became nauseous, irritable and panicked. I kept thinking I was carsick. My son kept saying, “you aren’t carsick mom, this is PTSD.
In the moment I couldn’t listen. I just kept ignoring him saying, look at the beautiful trees, or wow did you see that house. I was trying to stay present, as I felt the skeleton hands of my past trying to pull me down. Whenever we passed a town where bad things happened to me, I could feel my skin crawl. If I looked down I knew I could get lost in memory. So I kept looking out the window trying to notice anything but the street signs that had me traveling down bad-memory lane.
I’m trying to convey the absolute difficulty and exhaustion of having to consciously listen for birdsong, notice the clouds, and look at my feet so I know I am firmly planted on the ground. Sometimes I can do that if I feel I’m about to get triggered. Sometimes I do that after having a flashback. I’m not suggesting that I would rather be mired down in symptoms, but there are times I would just like to just rest, and recover without having to go through the process of grounding and acclimatizing to the present moment.
Later, as my son and I were talking, he said, “It must be so exhausting for you!” I asked him what he meant. He said that most people go through the day and don’t notice the trees, their breath, those kinds of things, they just do it or they don’t. They may be stressed but their stress has to do with what’s happening in the here and now. Or nowadays people are learning to “be present” because its the thing to do. He continued, “You spend your time having to fend off symptoms, dealing with daily stress and at the same time trying to stay present so you can have some normalcy in your life.
My son absolutely nailed what daily life is for me. I hadn’t talked about it because I was just living it. This was strictly his observation. I felt validated and seen. I felt I could at least for a moment let the veneer of trying to cope 24/7 down.
It also gave me permission to talk about how exhausting it is for me to practice mindfulness. It gave me permission to grieve the loss of my meditation practice and how my yoga practice had changed so drastically.
It’s all okay because practices change. But what was once something that brought me peace, has now become a tool in my toolbox of coping. That may seem like semantics, but the intention for my practice comes from a different place now.
I’m hoping as my healing journey continues, the exhaustion of staying present will ease a bit. It will come from a place of peace and not a gnarly rope climb out of the past.
Thank you to my wise son for learning about my illness and having the insight to notice and say aloud how sometimes the practice of mindfulness can be exhausting.
Thank you! It is hard to deal with the feelings sometimes isnt it. I was just telling my friend a little while ago, it sure helps to just feel whatever it is so it can pass i stead of judging them. I have to remind myself of that a lot. They are all just passing waves when I think about it aren’t they. 💕💕
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Really powerful read! Can relate to quite a few of your words really enjoyed reading when I didn’t have tears it’s so hard dealing with your feelings when you just want to be happy x
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Great insight. I totally agree. Thank You for sharing with me. ❤️
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I think everyone has to find their own way. What works at one stage in your life will evolve over time. Thank you for sharing.
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I totally get this. Thanks for sharing xx
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I practiced mindfulness in daily life for more than a decade and my life is a lot different now. I used to be very neurotic, self-conscious, depressed and had all kinds of emotional problems. And I have zero emotional problems now.
The practice of mindfulness in the right way can never be exhausting. If you end up suppressing your thoughts in anyway or reject a part of your mind in an attempt to focus on your surroundings or body sensations, then it is not mindfulness.
Because, mindfulness is all inclusive, you also let your thoughts arise and be present to your thoughts. When you are noticing your thoughts non-judgementally as they arise and pass away, you are actually being present and mindful. In other words, mindfulness is a moment to moment non-judgemental awareness of everything that arises and passes away in your experience, including sensations, emotions, and thoughts. It is also important to have a sense of curiosity when you observe what arises and passed away in the field of your consciousness.
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Believe me, you are fortunate.
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Im Indeed grateful for my children! ❤️
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What a blessing to have a son as wise as yours.
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Thank You! He is a pretty amazing person. 😊❤️
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Your son sounds AMAZING, well done for helping to create him…
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Me too. I’m glad for you to put it back
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It sure is!! Im glad to put that city in my rearview mirror once again.
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Mindful is just hard. And how can one be mindful if you are in a surrounding that makes you have PTSD. It is kind of an oxymoron right?
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Thanks Bethany. Im so grateful for my kids. ❤️
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How wonderful that your son SEES you!!!!!!!!!!
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Its an evolving process and well worth it. 😊
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I’m learning mindfulness right now. it does seem to help me cope from time to time but I have a long ways to go with it.
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Wonderful 😉
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Great question! I wont have a reason to fly back there any longer. I have a brother with 2 kids and this was the last to get married. ❤️
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I have a question and I hope it doesn’t upset you. Are you being mindful of the present if you’re ignoring how your body feels when you visit the town that holds traumatic events?
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Thank You! Im feel very grateful. ❤️
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❤️
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Awe bless your son.. it’s wonderful you have that support.
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I have such a hard time practicing mindfulness. Maybe that is because I don’t have a mind? I’m not sure but my therapist pushes me to keep trying it and I struggle each time.
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❤️
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Exactly! It does, and….we’re still anxious. 😂 Your brave validation is so helpful.
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So very true! And what a wise son!
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Thank you so, so much E. I was nervous about posting this because mindfulness tends to only focus on it will feel good. Which it does, and…
😃❤️
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Thank You, Summer. I know you can relate. My son is wise for you too ❤️❤️
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Spot on and so validating. Yesterday I was researching the long term impacts of complex trauma. None of the ‘expert’ articles said it as well as you have here. Exhausted. Yep. Thanks Alexis. ❤️
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Your son is so wise, and what he said is absolutely true and very insightful. I relate 100%
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Thank You, Anne❤️😊
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Thank You, Kat ❤️
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Thank You, Tamara ❤️
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Thank You! 😊❤️
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That was very understanding and considerate of your son to notice your struggles and talk with you about them! I think your behaviors and difficulties really represent the notion that I have discovered as I age; we are all really adolescents forever inside but our outer appearance changes. At least I feel that way a lot of the time, especially when I feel depressed, stressed or anxious. I’m sorry for your battle but grateful you have support and strategies you use to cope. So many people wouldn’t be able to automatically use mindfulness as successfully as you do. Have a wonderful day!💕🌻 ~Anne
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Wonderful and very interesting blog 🙂 ❤
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It never occurred to me that the practice of mindfulness could be so exhausting.
My experience of it has brought me peace and happiness where I used to worry. However, I haven’t gone through what you have.
Thank you for sharing this and explaining how it works for you. Even though it’s exhausting, I’m glad you have this tool, because the alternative is worse to think about.
I’m glad you have something to help you pull yourself out of the insanity of your past and help you you experience the beauty of your present family and how your son understands you!
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Yes! Paying attention requires an immense amount of energy, and when there is something else within demanding attention I can only imagine. Bless you and thank you.
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