My spouse, my kids, most of my friends and acquaintances go off to work each day. I don’t go off to work. I’m unable to work more than a couple of hours a day (most days) because of my PTSD.
One of the ways this disorder manifested, is that it has taken away my ability to concentrate without becoming overwhelmed and my brain shutting down. Certain times of year are worse than others, but I’ve had to come to terms that vocationally this is where I’m at right now.
Lack of concentration is one of my most frustrating symptoms of living with my PTSD. I want to feel relevant and that I’m contributing to society. I have an intense work ethic and gained a lot of my self-esteem from working. I didn’t care about job titles, I cared that I worked. I went to college, chose a career path and contributed to our household income. I chose that lifestyle and It was important to me.
I kept thinking that after I was finished processing my trauma and graduated from therapy that my illness would vanish and I would step back into the world of work. The fluidity of acceptance has me revisiting, once again that some wounds are extremely slow to heal, but they will heal.
I’m fortunate to have a very flexible, part time job doing some marketing for two wellness centers. It’s very part-time and I find myself craving more. I crave more because I don’t feel relevant. I don’t feel like a contributing member of society. That feeling can start me down the dark spiral and press the very-old low self-esteem tapes telling myself that I’m lazy.
My husband, kids, and close friends keep reassuring that I’m doing the best I can, and I have noticed that each time I’ve pushed the parameters of my capabilities it has affected me for days afterward. I imagine this is all part of accepting and re-accepting the severity of my PTSD.
So how do I change feeling like Im okay and doing the best I can? That even though Im not going to work 8 hours a day, I’m still a contributing member of society?
I try to focus on what I can do.
I can continue to market my book. I still swell with excitement and gratitude each time someone buys a copy of Untangled. I can continue to pitch the screenplay I just spent a year collaborating on. I can continue to submit articles I write about living with PTSD to publications and take pride and satisfaction when I receive an email that I have been published. And I can continue to feel immense gratitude that I’m given the opportunity to work even a couple of hours a week for amazing people.
I would like to expand the reach of my voice and do more interviews, but I’m not sure how to do that yet. I believe I have another book inside of me that wants to be published, and I want to continue to give presentations to groups.
So is it the paycheck that makes me feel like I’m not contributing? Yes, mostly, I believe it is! When I see my husband leaving for work at 4 am each morning, and see my kids and friends working hard in their chosen fields, I bristle at my inability to do the same. But then I try to listen to my wise-self that says, as long I’m doing the best I can within my abilities than I, too, am my definition of relevant.
A battle with identity, a constant re-acceptance of an illness, a defining of how I want to show up in the world, a trust that living mindfully with gratitude, love, and respect is what matters, is living my version of a well-lived life and helping me feel relevant even though I live with a disability.
Untangled 
Thank You!!
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Thank you for this post!
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Thank You for reblogging this post. 😊
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Reblogged this on D.E. Cantor.
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You are not alone! ❤️
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Thank you for this. It’s a mirror for my minds wandering at 3 am. It tells me I’m not alone.
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All great points!
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We do live in a culture that measures the worth of our work by the money it brings. I get sucked into that myself. But it’s completely crazy. People whose work is destructive bring home huge amounts of money. Raising children (what should the world value more?) is unpaid. Teaching children is badly paid. I could go one but, yeah, point made. Just to remind us both.
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Thank You! And thank you for buying the book. I hope you like it. ❤️
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You contribute so much butI have to say I feel similarly to you and it feels so crummy! I will try to buy your book this weekend if I can I’ve been wanting to for a while now. xx
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I know we both struggle with this! My desire and my ability doesn’t align so then it’s a continued reaccepting of the affects of the trauma. 😐
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I feel exactly like this xxxxxx it sucks doesn’t it 😔😔
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Indeed!
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So true!!
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Im so glad you are practicing changing the perception of yourself and working within your abilities. We are always a work in progress, arent we! 😊
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Thank you for your feedback. You are absolutely right, I have to remember to shine my light and call myself a writer. Have a great weekend!
😊
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It’s not safe, defining how much you’re giving to the world based off of materialistic evaluations, you should focus on making your life meaningful by sharing your experiences with others, our world is always defining how useful we are, by materialistic things, and, sometimes we forget what’s most important to ourselves, by conforming to these ideals of how we should be or act…
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Yep. Going back to work has been the hardest obstacle for me, and a lot of the time still is. So much of who I was came from what I did for a living, and it’s taking time for me to change my perception of myself. I can and do work full-time, but it’s a battle both to do it and to not beat myself up because I feel like I’m not nearly as good as I was!
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You are a writer! That is an occupation!
I work less than full time and I am likely guilty of contributing to the invisibility of my disability. I dread being a burden, of making others feel bad for me, of being that person no one wants to be around. I want it to be invisible to me too.
Some day I want to be a writer, too.
M
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It is, I’ve met some amazing people x
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Yes, we do what we can to feel included in the world we live in. The blogging community is wonderful. 😊
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You are not alone in how you are feeling. I cannot work due to bipolar and BPD. I use my blogging and studying to make me feel I am doing something with my life. I guess you are like myself, you must be doing something, you can’t just do nothing in your life x
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It’s really bizarre. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I can certainly relate to feeling guilty about not contributing financially, but you have to remind yourself that you are so much more than that. I can imagine that it is difficult for you that your disability is invisible.
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Wow. Im so sorry to hear that people tell you, you are lucky to sit in a wheelchair and get a check. That’s extremely insensitive!!
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Thank you! Im glad that this resonated with you. It sure helps knowing that Im not the only one feeling this way. It can be frustrating. I go in and out of acceptance all the time. 💐
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I don’t think that I would mind not working as much if other people didn’t read so much into it. One of the first things that someone says when they meet someone new is “So what do you do?” But for me, people stare at the wheelchair and tell me that I’m so lucky that I just sit around all day and get a check. “You don’t understand how hard it is to work and pay for daycare,too.” I did work until I couldn’t walk anymore. We also have to pay for summer care because our son is autistic. Get a grip and count your blessings. “Normal” people feel like their job is their identity. My lack of a job is seen as my identity by most people.
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It is so hard to stay within the confines of what the body can do when the spirit is willing to do more. I admire your voracious ambition but also your acceptance and respect towards your body and it’s needs. I can relate and am thankful for this reminder today.
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❤❤❤
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Thank You my friend. That means a lot to me!! (Although I wish you didn’t have to feel it too) ❤️❤️
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Alexis, you are not alone! I do understand the disappointment. I feel it sometimes too. I am so proud of you for all that you have and continue to accomplish. Hugs!
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Thank You, Rosy. My life is enriched since you’ve come into it. Today, when you shared, “we dance until it rains” I got goosebumps. You are such a bright shining light my friend! ❤️
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Yet to be sorted! Sneaking up is right.
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Just to let you know, your words, and wisdom have brought so much into my life.
Never underestimate the power of your words.
Proud to call you friend!
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Im glad we have connected too.
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Yeah, I totally get that fatigue. Its draining.
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Oh I can feel your frustration. I totally get it, and get how mortifying it can be when PTSD gets the better of us. You are not stupid or useless, but understand how those tapes start playing. Its so strange how invisible the symptoms are and how it can sneak up on us. I hope everything worked out with the fence!
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Thats so frustrating isnt it! Im so sorry that is happening to both of us. Glad we’ve connected so we understand that we are not alone in feeling this way about our illness and work. ❤️
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Thank You, Brigid. You make me smile!! 😊💕
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Thats really interesting Nicole. Im glad that people are talking about it!
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I want to work but I just feel too fatigued!
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Its so frustrating sometimes isn’t it!
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You’ve put into words exactly how I feel when PTSD gets the better of me. The effect on my concentration has recently enabled (!) me to screw up when trying to organise a replacement for the picket fence at the front of my house and I feel stupid, embarrassed and useless. This is mortifying when I am, in essence, a highly organised, practical woman. Thank you!
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I can relate so much to this right now. We are the brave ones because we want to contribute, we want to achieve and we do despite our illnesses. I have bipolar and anxiety… and my anxiety stops me from sustaining work at times.
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I am glad you are listening to your wise self Alexis. You are awesome. 🌼
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This post on invisible disability at work reminds me of a recent CBC Radio special. http://www.cbc.ca/listen/shows/cbc-radio-specials/episode/13949702
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I have the same feeling!
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