I Seek to Feel Content

On By Alexis RoseIn Blog, PTSD

I have conquered my metaphorical mountain. I kept telling myself I can do it. It was hard. It felt emotionally, spiritually and physically excruciating at times, and I did it.  I asked myself, when I conquer this mountain, have a congruent past and the tools to live with PTSD,  is that when I will feel content?

It’s my goal to live life with my eyes open, to let go of the person I am not, to own my story, to have worked through the torture and come out with a gnarly scar, not a soft scab over an oozing past. I met that goal.  Did I feel content?

I learned to reach out and ask for help when I feel so vulnerable that I can’t move left or right. To ask “will you take my hand and hold on to it until I feel steady enough to walk beside you again, unaided?” When I have done that, I ask myself, do I feel a sense of contentment?

When I accept the changes I have gone through, releasing and gently letting go of the protective barriers because they no longer serve me.  To “just show up” even when I can’t remember how to be okay. To accept that sometimes I won’t be okay. Knowing that I’m safe, and to trust the safety. To let the safety permeate my body, mind & spirit. Is that when I will feel content?

Am I content? Understanding that to feel a sense of contentment is as involuntary as breathing. I don’t have to seek it. I don’t have to be free from the symptoms of PTSD to understand that I’m enough. I was always enough, and that, not only am I okay now, I was always okay. I understand that feelings and emotions are fleeting and impermanent.

Yes, I believe, yes, most days (maybe not all 24 of those hours), but mostly, I am Content.

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

31 thoughts on “I Seek to Feel Content”

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  22. Thank You so much for reblogging this post Lynda. You have been so inspiring to me since we’ve connected. You have been through so much and I admire how you keep moving through whatever life challenges come to you. Have a beautiful day my friend. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Reblogged this on A Blog About Healing From PTSD and commented:
    I am reblogging this post by Alex Rose, author of the memoir UNTANGLED, because I relate so much to what she says here.

    My favorite line in her post is this: “I don’t have to be free from the symptoms of PTSD to understand that I’m enough.” Yes!!

    My symptoms of severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder began in 1965, when I was twelve years old. However, PTSD did not become an official psychiatric diagnosis until 1980, and I was not properly diagnosed as having PTSD until 2003, a few weeks before my fiftieth birthday.

    Over the years, I have tried every type of treatment that I could find for my nerves/PTSD. Of all the therapies I’ve tried, the twenty-five or so neurofeedback treatments that I have had since February of this year, have helped me the most. Neurofeedback is awesome!

    And yet, I still have moments — an hour here, a half hour there — where I don’t feel OK. Moments like last night, when I huddled under the blankets just before falling asleep, and worried about the world blowing up. Last night I actually felt as though I were a tiny child once again, at the mercy of mad, all-powerful adults who have no mercy.

    I hate feeling that way! But after reading the recent news headlines, I think it’s a normal way to feel, especially considering that my husband and I live just a few miles away from a special ops military base, the one where the “mother of all bombs” that was recently dropped in Syria, came from. So yes, this Air Force base is a prime target for our enemies, and if the base is nuked, this entire area will be decimated.

    Considering that I grew up in a home where the parents who were supposed to love and protect me, did the opposite of that — it’s hard to feel secure and safe, and even harder to trust people in authority, during “normal” times. But now… this is scary!!

    Today, I refuse to beat myself up for occasionally “backsliding” into trauma triggers and fear. Like Alexis Rose said, I am enough, even when I have symptoms of PTSD.

    I also agree with Alexis, that my goal is contentment. Peace. No Worries. Trusting in the Lord with all of my heart, come what may — this is my favorite way to be.

    I was an agnostic for many years of my life, because I could not understand how a good, loving, and all-powerful God could allow so much evil in the world. But today, I believe in Christ, because the preponderance of the evidence in my life compels me to believe. I still don’t have answers to all of my questions, but that’s OK, He’s smarter than me.

    Right now, whatever happens, I choose to Trust, and to serve Him. When I trust the Lord Jesus, then I am most truly content.

    In Peace, Truth, and Love — Lynda

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Thank Sylvan. I had to go back and edit the last line, because I knew I had to include most days (maybe not all 24 hours) I am content. This post comes after days of feeling “not enough” and really examining why I was feeling that way.

    Liked by 2 people

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