I Seek to Feel Content

I have conquered my metaphorical mountain. I kept telling myself I can do it. It was hard. It felt emotionally, spiritually and physically excruciating at times, and I did it.  I asked myself, when I conquer this mountain, have a congruent past and the tools to live with PTSD,  is that when I will feel content?

It’s my goal to live life with my eyes open, to let go of the person I am not, to own my story, to have worked through the torture and come out with a gnarly scar, not a soft scab over an oozing past. I met that goal.  Did I feel content?

I learned to reach out and ask for help when I feel so vulnerable that I can’t move left or right. To ask “will you take my hand and hold on to it until I feel steady enough to walk beside you again, unaided?” When I have done that, I ask myself, do I feel a sense of contentment?

When I accept the changes I have gone through, releasing and gently letting go of the protective barriers because they no longer serve me.  To “just show up” even when I can’t remember how to be okay. To accept that sometimes I won’t be okay. Knowing that I’m safe, and to trust the safety. To let the safety permeate my body, mind & spirit. Is that when I will feel content?

Am I content? Understanding that to feel a sense of contentment is as involuntary as breathing. I don’t have to seek it. I don’t have to be free from the symptoms of PTSD to understand that I’m enough. I was always enough, and that, not only am I okay now, I was always okay. I understand that feelings and emotions are fleeting and impermanent.

Yes, I believe, yes, most days (maybe not all 24 of those hours), but mostly, I am Content.

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

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31 thoughts on “I Seek to Feel Content

  1. Pingback: I Seek to Feel Content – SEO

  2. Pingback: On the Tracks, to Finding My Self… – JUST the Unwinding of Thoughts

  3. Thank You so much for reblogging this post Lynda. You have been so inspiring to me since we’ve connected. You have been through so much and I admire how you keep moving through whatever life challenges come to you. Have a beautiful day my friend. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on A Blog About Healing From PTSD and commented:
    I am reblogging this post by Alex Rose, author of the memoir UNTANGLED, because I relate so much to what she says here.

    My favorite line in her post is this: “I don’t have to be free from the symptoms of PTSD to understand that I’m enough.” Yes!!

    My symptoms of severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder began in 1965, when I was twelve years old. However, PTSD did not become an official psychiatric diagnosis until 1980, and I was not properly diagnosed as having PTSD until 2003, a few weeks before my fiftieth birthday.

    Over the years, I have tried every type of treatment that I could find for my nerves/PTSD. Of all the therapies I’ve tried, the twenty-five or so neurofeedback treatments that I have had since February of this year, have helped me the most. Neurofeedback is awesome!

    And yet, I still have moments — an hour here, a half hour there — where I don’t feel OK. Moments like last night, when I huddled under the blankets just before falling asleep, and worried about the world blowing up. Last night I actually felt as though I were a tiny child once again, at the mercy of mad, all-powerful adults who have no mercy.

    I hate feeling that way! But after reading the recent news headlines, I think it’s a normal way to feel, especially considering that my husband and I live just a few miles away from a special ops military base, the one where the “mother of all bombs” that was recently dropped in Syria, came from. So yes, this Air Force base is a prime target for our enemies, and if the base is nuked, this entire area will be decimated.

    Considering that I grew up in a home where the parents who were supposed to love and protect me, did the opposite of that — it’s hard to feel secure and safe, and even harder to trust people in authority, during “normal” times. But now… this is scary!!

    Today, I refuse to beat myself up for occasionally “backsliding” into trauma triggers and fear. Like Alexis Rose said, I am enough, even when I have symptoms of PTSD.

    I also agree with Alexis, that my goal is contentment. Peace. No Worries. Trusting in the Lord with all of my heart, come what may — this is my favorite way to be.

    I was an agnostic for many years of my life, because I could not understand how a good, loving, and all-powerful God could allow so much evil in the world. But today, I believe in Christ, because the preponderance of the evidence in my life compels me to believe. I still don’t have answers to all of my questions, but that’s OK, He’s smarter than me.

    Right now, whatever happens, I choose to Trust, and to serve Him. When I trust the Lord Jesus, then I am most truly content.

    In Peace, Truth, and Love — Lynda

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank Sylvan. I had to go back and edit the last line, because I knew I had to include most days (maybe not all 24 hours) I am content. This post comes after days of feeling “not enough” and really examining why I was feeling that way.

    Liked by 2 people

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