I have found myself deep inside that thinking place of mine. I don’t dwell here very often. I believe it’s because for the past eight years I have been in a constant a constant battle with my PTSD, setting a goal, or “doing” growth and change. I haven’t allowed myself to just sit and think for a while. When I write, I will let the words or ideas simmer, rest, then make changes, but even that seems active and doing on my part.
Resting in my thinking place I have been pondering change. Change is a fact of life. Our bodies change, as do our cognitive abilities. Our circumstances change, the weather changes and so do the seasons. We change our minds, our clothes and our cell phones. Sometimes we embrace change, but sometimes change can be frightening. The fear of the unknown and the anticipation of what could be, can be paralyzing; the feeling of vulnerability can prevent us from moving forward.
But change is inevitable. There are unforeseen events that occur daily. Some may feel insignificant or be a nuisance such as a flat tire. Some are as life-altering as the diagnosis of cancer. Even then, we have the ability to choose how we handle the challenges in our lives. We can use the momentum of change to keep growing as a person.
Since I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have had to change almost everything about my life. I had to learn how to cope with this debilitating illness, adjust to the dramatic change in my financial situation, deal with horrific and terrifying memories that were quickly filling in the blanks of my past, and accept that my ability to be self-sufficient in most aspects of my everyday life was severely limited.
I realize that nothing stays constant and there is always change. In the context of what I am writing about, I believe there are two kinds of change. One is the inevitable events that occur on a daily basis. The other kind of change is mindful and purposeful. It takes courage to work through both. It is a courageous person who is willing to work through their past and knit it together with who they are now.
I no longer wanted my past to dictate my present day life. The effects of my trauma sometimes dictate my everyday life, but I can tease apart the difference. I made a conscious effort to understand the past, feel for myself with the same kind of compassion I would have for others and integrate who I was, with who I am now, and who I am striving to become. I take full responsibility for my life, and that brings a sense of freedom and empowerment. With that freedom brings a calmness to understanding that all things change, it’s inevitable and that is part of living a very lived life.
As I think about all the change I have been through the past eight years, and acknowledge how huge this undertaking has been, allowing myself to feel tired, introspective, and content, I can rest in my thinking place. I’m not sure what happens next…I’ll have to think about that.
image source: pixabay
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph