I stand in front of a mirror. Not the kind of mirror that reflects your outside self, it is the kind of mirror that reflects your psyche. It’s the kind of mirror that reflects how you think, emote, or not emote, and feel. It is the kind of mirror that reflects back the years of psychological and emotional damage. I call it my inner spirit mirror.
It took a lot of courage to approach this mirror the first time. I was terrified because I knew that if I tried to stand in front of this mirror before, I wouldn’t have seen any reflection. I felt like a nobody with no-body. But something compelled me to look at the effects of the trauma and how it damaged my mind, and spirit and left my soul in tattered ruin.
Countless times, I could only stand looking into that mirror for mere seconds before running away in shame. But I was determined to keep going back. Each time I went back, I began to have the courage to view my reflection and started to name what I saw. Even though it was difficult to see myself, I’m glad I was brave enough to stand in front of that mirror and look deeper into my spirit.
At first, all I could name was the lies that were told to my soul. The lies that perpetrators tell their victims to legitimize what they are doing or have done. At that time, all I could see was the hurt, pain, fear, and wretchedness of the first twenty years of my life.
Then to my amazement, as I stood steadfast in front of my spirit mirror, I began to see a light emerge from my core. My reflection of who I am, who I want to be, and what they couldn’t take from me, started emitting a stronger and stronger beacon of hope. At first, it was hard to trust the truth of the mirror. I could have turned away, and continued to believe the lies, or I could believe my truth, and trust my reflection.
Today when I stand in front of my inner spirit mirror, I see my reflection. I acknowledge the courage it took to stand there, to refuse to look away in shame. Now my inner light shines through, giving me hope that I have the ability to face each day, to stay the course, to continue to heal and grow. To trust, to believe that although at times, I’m still experiencing the choke-hold of PTSD symptoms, what I see is the true reflection of me.
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph