Sitting in a place of peace; Oh no a flashback; Sitting in a place of peace.

Mar29

I’m sitting in this place of peace. Listening to the water splashing over the rocks, over this mini rapids. The water sparkles like diamonds as the sun plays upon it. The eagles and other various birds are flying overhead and occasionally landing on the bare branched trees in pairs of two or three. Sometimes they rest on the rock and also seem to be gazing out over the restless water. Next to me in the tree, I watch a spider lord over her intricate web that is filled with little bugs trapped in her silk. Off in the distance, tall purple flowers are swaying just a bit in the breeze. My triggers are reset. I am at peace, not judging, not thinking, not talking, and just resting.

Then out of the blue, it happens. First, it comes as a sort of uneasiness in my stomach, and then the diamond reflections on the water became cartoonish, the bugs in the background are the noises of the forest in a different time and continent. A wave of emotion takes my breath away and my lungs seem to stop with fear as the world starts to morph. I can feel myself being pulled away.  In my distant mind, just before I’m hurled into the past, I can hear myself think just sit with it until it passes. I feel myself stand up, watching, reliving “it” happening. Whatever the “it” for this particular flashback brings. 

It passes. The water becomes fluid again, the breeze touches my ice cold skin in the burning sun, the muscles in my stomach, head, arms and lungs ache from being contracted and I am standing. I wonder what did I do wrong in this place where just moments ago, I felt wonderful, restful and safe. How did it turn into a place where I was no longer grounded, hurling through the past. Why wasn’t I still there with everyone else who is gazing at the rapids? How is it that I can turn a normal, beautiful moment into the ugliness of a flashback. I ask myself, what’s wrong with me?

 I want to turn and walk away. But, I don’t, instead, I look at this nature filled place I’m visiting, sit down and understand that I had a flashback, I was triggered by something (the wind, sounds, the light hitting the water in a certain way, etc.) For me, this is how my PTSD manifests itself. That’s what my struggle looks like right now. It’s frustrating, but I’m not going to let it take the beauty out of the world around me. I’m not going to hide from the many, places of peace and remember the feeling of contentment, calmness, a perfect moment. 

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

24 thoughts on “Sitting in a place of peace; Oh no a flashback; Sitting in a place of peace.”

  7. You describe this to a tee! My flashbacks still come out of nowhere from time and time and that is the most frustrating feeling!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That’s the problem with invisible triggers. It is an ongoing battle. I am glad you will not allow that incident to take away the memory of the peaceful moments you had just experienced. ❤ you, Alexis

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Absolutely! “Frustrating” is right! ❤️. But yep, somehow we do it! I admire your strength, girl 😘
    Thank you & I hope you have a wonderful day, too 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Thank You Laina. Yes, I think flashbacks are one of the most frustrating symptoms we have to learn to live with. Aren’t they! But somehow we do it. Have a wonderful say today. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. How beautifully written ❤️ As a fellow PTSD person, I can relate. It doesn’t take much to trigger a flashback, does it? They strike without warning or provocation. I’m so happy for you that you’re staring it down, accepting you for where you are without any harsh judgment. Letting yourself be you 😘

    Sending you thoughts of love, strength, and more peace 💜
    ~The Silent Wave/Laina 🌟🌟

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Thank you for this post, you describe it very well. It’s one of the difficult symptoms of PTSD you have to learn to live with, I think you are strong in how you got over the flashback moment! That is admirable!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow, Jackie…thanks for that insight. So strange isnt it? Years before I had a name for it, I still was having symptoms. Im glad this helped you today too. Many years connected and many more to come. Love you dear friend! ❤❤

    Like

  22. Oh honey, I remember going to so many actual places like this with you and how frightened you looked at times, and how frightened I FELT at times, cuz places like this are also triggering for me, although I love them dearly. Water, in particular, triggers a deep sense of loss, and also fear. Those scenes from my life come back in instant pictures, and I am there,, not here. You helped me today. I hope this also helps you in some small way. Thank you Alexis.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. I like how you described it. I know little of PTSD, I am interested in it and am not sure why. I follow a number of bloggers and connections on social sites, who suffer from it. This helps me to understand how it manifests in the life of one afflicted

    Liked by 1 person

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