I’ve Got Your Back

Mar5

“I’ve got your back” were the most important and powerful words I had ever heard seven years ago. I was panicked, wondering how was I ever going to have the strength to get through the next moment, let alone the next day. To risk facing the unknown of my repressed past, while breaking the code of silence that was deeply ingrained in my psyche. In those early days of word vomiting memories that were coming fast and furious, going into one crisis after another, dissociating, and having no sense of safety.

At that point, I had already realized that the hard work happened when you got home, between therapy sessions. The processing of what was talked about during our sessions, trying to incorporate the tools he was teaching me for distress tolerance and trying to feel safe enough to just-sit with it all. At the same time learning ways to manage all the other terrible, awful PTSD symptoms that already had an unrelenting grip on my life.

One evening, as I stood up to leave my therapist’s office, a sense of panic overwhelmed me. Not only panic of what I was facing but the panic of attachment. I knew I would be too much for him, he would bail, he would himself panic and become as frightened by what he was hearing. But something happened when I turned around to walk out of his door. He said to me, “I’ve got your back.”

Those four little words hit me with the softness of the kindest hug and the safety of the bravest shield. I believed him the moment he said those words to me. Even though I knew I had to still fight for my life, my mental health, my freedom from the skeleton hands of the past that kept trying to pull me down each time I made any progress, those words landed through the layers.

That night, I was able to trust that I could handle my journey. I could walk with my head up, eyes forward. Those words made me feel that I would be able to face the past and the resulting effects of my trauma head on. I knew that if I stumble, fall, trip, panic, see monsters, fight programming that my therapist would help me stand back up, dust off, and keep moving forward.

A few weeks ago, I had another huge breakthrough. The mind-blowing acceptance of putting together the pieces of the big picture, and understanding who was responsible for my past trauma. Just how deep, sinister, and insidious this vast network of people with power were, and how I was truly just a tiny cog in their plans. In fact, the leap forward in healing was astounding to me.  Wonderful? Yes!  Hard-fought and earned? Yes! Frightening because I now understood and was immediately looking through a different lens? Yes?

Healing can be wonderful, hard-fought, and frightening. Not because I don’t want to heal, it’s because it is unfamiliar to look at things Not just through the lens of survival. To learn and accept the past as what happened. I can’t change it and I can no longer forget it. To accept it, to really sit with the knowledge of how insignificant I was to these people is sometimes mind-blowing.

When I was expressing the panic, the unsettledness of what was happening to me and how I was going to walk in this new light, this turn in my journey, my therapist without any thought said, “it’s okay, you’re safe, I’ve got your back.” Those four little words again. Just like that evening seven years ago, they again, had a profound effect on me. The most powerful, healing words I have ever heard.

i-have-your-back

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

60 thoughts on “I’ve Got Your Back”

  10. Hi Alexis. I wonder if I might add your review of my memoir on the inside pages of my paperback version. I could add below Alexis Rose Author of Untangled. I am gathering a few reviews to include to encourage prospective readers. Many thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Thank You! Im so glad you connected with the emotion. Your comment is very timely as I lay here, thinking how am I going to move forward living with the truth, and all the affects of the trauma. Then I read your comment, and know there are many of us who on different points on our healing journey and we need to take each others hands. Its a long road, never linear, but the commitment to your health is so brave! Take your time, take good self care and have support. Im glad we’ve connected. 💕

    Like

  19. Alexis, this made me cry! I felt every emotion. I felt as if you were writing the road map of what lies ahead for me. You are courageous and your words are powerful. I tremble as I look ahead at the doors of pain that lie ahead of me to open. But I want to fight just as courageously as you have. I am at the beginning, so this was very encouraging! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Thank You Patricia. Im glad we’ve connected. There is a lot of information about PTSD if you are interested in learning a bit more about it. Have a great day! 💕

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  24. I just started following your blog so I’ve only ready this post. I find it interesting that the people in your past are an integral part of the PTSD. I’ve always associated PTSD with a military mission. Writing this is so healing. I applaud your willingness to write about your journey to healing. Your writing is great and I can’t wait to read more.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. This is so inspiring to read. It shows all the fear you have to face and that its so important to have someone strongly supporting you in the process. It can be so scary to trust and the breakthrough comes when we trust the right people. I had to reblog this as it is very powerful. Hugs to you Alexis. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Now Im teared up! Im just so happy to hear you have a person in your corner who has your back. There is a little room to breathe. Gina, you are a beautiful person, and a bright light in my life. No matter that you are on the other side of the world from me. We are connected souls and Im very blessed! 💕💕

    Liked by 2 people

  36. saying your words make me cry doesn’t seem enough and this today has me very teary in the eyes and the heart – i lacked a person like that until recently and though he is miles away – he has said the same to me – not in the same words but he is the person who will stand up for me and that’s just an awesome thing to feel as a human being struggling to understand the chaos around me – I know I have him in my corner no matter the struggle he is there. thank you for sharing your heart it helps heal mine.

    Liked by 3 people

  38. Yeah! Those are some of my favorite words, too 😊 I only say them when I mean them, and I hope the rest of the world operates the same way 😊

    I’ll say them to you now: I’ve got your back ❤️
    ~The Silent Wave Blog writer/Laina 🌟🌟

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Im so excited to hear you are going to read Untangled. I look forward to your feedback. 🤗❤
    Have a great time in Scotland. I would love to visit there sometime and walk in the countryside. Be sure and post pictures.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Tears of gratitude that you’re in my life Nancy. You are such a beautiful spirit. I think about what you’ve gone through and Im amazed that you have found ways to forgive. You are a gift! 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Breakthroughs during therapy are wonderful but also traumatic (at least for me). Discovering triggers. I had a real breakthrough when I watched the movie Unbroken. When I saw Louis Zamperini go back to Japa after he was tortured as a POW forgive his torturers, I forgave mine. It freed me completely.

    Your words are powerful, Alexis, and what you went through as a child and young adult is horrific. You truly inspire those in crisis or who suffer PTSD. I am honored that you are my friend. I admire your courage, determination, and transparency. Bless you, Alexis Rose (your name is beautiful)
    🌺

    Liked by 2 people

  48. Thank You Harlon, I really appreciate that feedback. It’s amazing how words can land and make such a difference in ways we cant imagine at the time. Im glad you connected with the post. Have a great day! Alexis

    Liked by 2 people

  49. There’s a lot in the content of your post that I could connect with, however it’s those words “I’ve Got Your Back” that stand out for me. They are so powerful – and they show how someone’s support can make a difference (small and big). It was nice to hear those words again today – and I hope you continue to enjoy the feeling of experiencing that. Stay well, Harlon

    Liked by 2 people

  52. Wonderful post. One of my favorite sayings is “Don’t Allow Your Past to Become Your Anchor ⚓️ “. I talk about it all the time on my blog posts. But it takes time to heal from trauma and betrayal. For some of us it takes more time than others. Take Care

    Liked by 1 person

  55. This was such an emotive and moving post, I hope you are all well now! Also, I am sure writing your thoughts and feelings down is a very good way to help deal with it all – this is my way to gather up everything and sort of let it out? I don’t know that probably made no sense but yeah 🙂 Keep doing what you are doing!

    Liked by 1 person

  56. Thank You! Yeah, its a weird place to be in. Not willing to forget anymore, but uncomfortable with the truth. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot too. Im so glad we’ve connected! 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  57. I edited that sentence so it makes more sense. I really do appreciate you asking me that question after reading my post. I wouldn’t want anyone to think those people would hold themselves accountable to anyone. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  59. “The mind-blowing acceptance of all…” I understand this but am struck with the simplicity of the statement and of the grueling work preceding it. I too, understand that there is so much that is impossible to accurately describe in complete acceptance of all…

    Liked by 2 people

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