If I Could Tell You How It Feels

It doesn’t matter if it’s cold, hot sunny, snowing or raining.

There is no telling when it’s going to strike.

Are they alive or dead?

Is that pain echoes from the pain long ago that resurfaces with memory?

It’s like being held hostage by your mind

Thinking that today will be the day I am free.

 

I look like everyone else.

I know the difference between right and wrong.

Yet in my head I often can’t remember

the last ten minutes of my life, or what day, year or time it is.

Are those smells real or is that a smell from a place and time when I

Was being held hostage against my will?

Am I really hearing the sounds of helicopters, planes, cicadas and birds?

Or is that the sound coming from a place that no longer exists

and should never be talked about?

 

I want so much to be like everyone else.

So I will keep pulling myself up the rope

Out of the clutches of PTSD

and the skeleton hands of the past that keep trying to pull me down.

I am like everyone else

only my job is to live, so I can live.

That’s all I can ask of myself some days if I’m going to have a future.

black-and-white-1519815_1920

 

photo: pixabay

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

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17 thoughts on “If I Could Tell You How It Feels

  1. Rebel Recovery October 28, 2016 / 6:17 pm

    This is so poignant, Alexis. Sending you so much support. Annie.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jacquelineobyikocha October 26, 2016 / 7:27 am

    What I have learnt over time is that those who have gone through trauma of sorts just learn to live through it. They never completely forget, but they learn to enjoy the new life that they forge as they keep pushing forward. Can be frustrating, the dance forward and backwards, but I guess that’s the way the remembering is.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Alexis Rose October 26, 2016 / 1:31 am

    Thank You for your feedback. Im glad you could identify with some of it. 😀

    Like

  4. nadineofthecave October 26, 2016 / 1:01 am

    Backwards and forwards. But don’t be like everyone else! I never want that. Living is good though. Getting through the day. Surviving the set back. Finding something—anything—to want. I identify.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Alexis Rose October 25, 2016 / 2:48 pm

    I hear you…It’s excruciating!! I know you will get this statement: I feel like I’m disappearing on the inside (mind, spirit) because it’s so hard to stay present without being swallowed up by the triggers everywhere. I feel like I’m a walking panic attack. We will keep each other anchored through it Summer. We’ve got each other this year.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Alexis Rose October 25, 2016 / 2:36 pm

    I hsve been thinking about you like crazy. Especially as I was writing this post. Sending you hugs! 💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

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