You Don’t Look Sick! Can’t You Get Over It?

Many of us deal with an invisible illness (physical, emotional, mental), we don’t look sick!

Typically, if we are out and about and even within our own family,  if we see or know someone that looks outwardly ill or has a visible disability, we hopefully (but I know not everyone) feel compassion, give them space, and help them, usually without thought or frustration. I’m not addressing caregiver fatigue in this post, I’m talking about our very human nature that if we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, out of pure surprise, when people find out I have PTSD, they say, “You don’t look sick.” I don’t take offense to it because it is a natural thought. It’s not coming from a place of dismissal, or maliciousness. But, I do take offense when the next words of “Can’t you just get over it?” are said aloud. I don’t know, there is something about those six little words that rub me wrong. I had a doctor say to me once, “You look fine, you survived, can’t you just get over it?” Strange, coming from a physicians mouth, and I’m smart enough to never go back to that person again, but, whoa, that stopped me in my tracks. I looked at her, and said, “Did you really just say that?”

Some of the invisible symptoms of my PTSD are flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, and becoming extremely overwhelmed because of triggers. I don’t freak out and run through the streets ranting, raving and screaming; but I do get out-of-sorts, can become kind of spacey, decisions become impossible and I’m sure I look shut-down and unhappy. OR, I look shut-down and have that ridiculous, I’m okay smile plastered sweetly on my face. When I’m out with friends it usually not a problem because they are aware of my “tells” but if I’m with people who don’t really know me and what to look for, it can be uncomfortable for them. I don’t ever want to feel like the elephant in the room, so I will try to talk about it.

I recently had breakfast with my good friend. We have known each other for years. We were talking about how after my recent travel experience,  I realized that my family and friends have created a “new normal” for me because of my many deficits. When someone wants to hang-out, they tend to say that they will pick me up. When we go to restaurants, we tend to go to the same place so I don’t get overwhelmed with menu choices; even my boss will end a meeting if she sees my concentration waning. A 2 hour scheduled meeting may end after 15 minutes. My breakfast buddy was nodding her head in understanding because she has had two knee replacements in the past year and has had to make changes in her life because of physical challenges. We were getting ready to leave, and wincing, my friend said her body was sore from the weather changing. My tongue-in-cheek response, was, “Really, you don’t look sick!” We laughed and laughed because that’s how easy the thought and words can form when we don’t see someone’s challenges.

For many of us who have survived trauma (I expect it may be the same for people who have a chronic physical illness), we can be the master of minimizing our experiences, with our own tired, worn out mantra of, “I survived it, so what’s the big deal.” I know I have questioned ad-nauseum to myself and my therapist, why can’t I just get over it?  It’s tired and worn out because why would I just get over it? And If I could, I would have chosen that a long time ago.  I wouldn’t ever expect someone else to just be okay, would I? No, absolutely not. A person feels the way they feel until they have processed and passed through all the transitions of healing. And if there are multiple events it will take that much longer.

I can’t even imagine the depths of grief that still lingers inside of me. Part of the grief is sadness for the life I know I was never destined to have because my decisions were pre-determined for me for so many years.  But, in spite of that, I chose to make a good life from my lied to, tattered soul. Part of the grief is sadness for the life I had for the first 20 years.  For the pain, the suffering, and the squashing of my potential.  But I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in spite of what happened to me. So when others say to me, Why can’t you just get over It. You survived and have a good life with a great family and lots of great friends and support. I say, “Yep, I did survive it because I stuffed all the feelings, emotions, abuse, terror and pain down as deep as they could go.” The plan was never to resurrect any feeling or memory. But PTSD doesn’t work that way.  I have complex PTSD. It’s an invisible illness, which because of the severity of my trauma will most likely leave me with symptoms (although hopefully more manageable) for years and years to come. 

I know I don’t look sick, and I probably will never get over it, But I have learned to live with PTSD. Yes, thankfully, I did survive, Otherwise, I wouldn’t’ be writing this post. Just surviving doesn’t suit me any longer, living and thriving is my gold-standard now.

sad-woman-1055087_1920

 

photo:pixaby

Thank you for reading Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

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16 thoughts on “You Don’t Look Sick! Can’t You Get Over It?

  1. Alexis Rose October 23, 2016 / 11:56 pm

    Thank You so much for reblogging this. I really appreciate it! 😀

    Like

  2. dancingpalmtrees October 23, 2016 / 11:48 pm

    Reblogged this on A Call to Witness and commented:
    I can relate to everything she says. I still have my triggers, anxieties and panic attacks. If it were possible to “get over it” I would have made that choice long ago, rather I’ve Learned to live this new life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. manyofus1980 October 22, 2016 / 6:50 am

    yes yes this is a brilliant piece of writing alexis, you don’t look sick, yes said all to often to me too! very annoying indeed! you put into words so well though. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alexis Rose October 19, 2016 / 2:57 pm

    Who knew how strong the blogging world could be for survivors?!? No matter what country we all live in. It’s amazing! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. summerstartstoshine October 19, 2016 / 2:52 pm

    Hell yeah! Bloody pissing hell yeah! I’m loving the survivor movement lately, we’re bad-assing our way round wordpress raising awareness and speaking up for ourselves. I LOVE IT 🙂 and love you more!!!! mwah X

    Liked by 2 people

  6. summerstartstoshine October 19, 2016 / 2:50 pm

    Yay yay yay! I LOVE you SOOOOOOOOOOO much and a little bit more 🙂 Friends like you are like gold to me, and you help me shine Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Alexis Rose October 19, 2016 / 2:50 pm

    Thank You for reblogging this post and thank You for all your awesome support for both me and Untangled! HUGE, HUGE smiles! I love that we are bad ass together. Hugs, smiles and lots of love, love, love! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Alexis Rose October 19, 2016 / 2:48 pm

    Oh my gosh, well first I had to stop laughing out loud, because I feel like I dropped the mic…Yay! Thank You for reblogging this post Summer. You’re awesome. I’m so glad we’re friends! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Alexis Rose October 19, 2016 / 2:47 pm

    We have a long way to go to break the stigma and help people understand. xx

    Like

  10. summerstartstoshine October 19, 2016 / 2:41 pm

    Reblogged this on SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE and commented:
    THIS HAS SUMMERSTARTSTOSHINE REBLOG WRITTEN ALL OVER IT-FUCKING FABULOUS WRITE UP OF HOW WE AS A SOCIETY DEAL WITH INVISIBLE ILLNESSES, INCLUDING MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS SUCH AS COMPLEX-PTSD (I HAVE THIS!) BLIMIN BRILLIANT WRITING HERE FROM MY LUSHEST PTSD FRIEND-SHE’S A SURVIVOR AND A THRIVER AND SHE MEANS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD TO ME. READ HER ‘BOOK, ‘UNTANGLED’ IT’S A BOOK THAT GETS UNDER YOUR SKIN AND YOU CAN’T FORGET…I LOVE YOU ALEXIS ROSE AND I’M PROUD TO CALL YOU MY PTSD INVISIBLE ILLNESS BADASS PAL! boom!!!! 🙂 mwah xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. summerstartstoshine October 19, 2016 / 2:35 pm

    Brilliant! This is getting reblogged my friend (if that’s ok) 😉 X Boom shake the room with your brilliantly written message. Go Alexis!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. dbest1ishere October 19, 2016 / 2:27 pm

    Sometimes I wish I did look sick so that people would see the suffering. I wish people tried to understand more how hard it is for us to even function on certain days.

    Liked by 1 person

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