The Flow of Self-Discovery

The past eight years has been a whirlwind of change for me. My life turned upside down because of my post-traumatic stress disorder and I had to decide, both consciously and unconsciously to heal, to change, or I would most probably die. It’s a sobering thought as I sit down to write this, but it was true. One day, very early on in therapy, my therapist and I were discussing the book The Alchemist, and he asked me to go home and think about what I wanted my personal legend to be and report it back to him in our next session. I took that homework very seriously, and I decided that my personal legend was to know the entire truth of my past, live with my eyes wide open, blinders off. To continually operate in a place of self-discovery, growth, and change. I knew how I was going to meet some of those goals but was at a loss on how I was going to maintain the intention of what I wanted my life’s purpose to look like as I continue to grow and change through time and experience.

I know the definition of my life’s purpose is who I want to be. I know I’m the author of my own story, and I get to choose how I want to be in the world. At this point in my life, it’s about choices and being proactive rather than reactive. It’s about aligning my personal values and beliefs with my actions and words while maintaining my integrity.

At the beginning of my endeavor it often looked like a question/answer session. What does it mean to live life with my eyes wide open? Is it about knowing and accepting the past without forgetting it, so I can become my version of complete? Or is it a metamorphosis of who I was, who I am and who I will be? Maybe it’s all three. As I think about how I want to spend my life and who I want to be, I am guided by a more mature and spiritual self because of the time I spent in therapy, meditation, growth and self-reflection.

I love that we live in a time where self-discovery is an accepted way of life. I spent so much time in fear and hiding, squelching any dream of a life lived, only a life survived. Now, most times, I am able to live, speak, listen and learn from a place of safety and truth. Discovering the wonder and accepting of life and what it has to offer. Not getting in the way of who I am, and instead, letting myself be who I am, without my ego reminding me of the should haves, did nots, or can nots.

Self-discovery also comes with the knowledge that the truth often hurts and is uncomfortable on many levels including physical, spiritual, emotional and mental. There were times when I would begin processing a memory and I had to fight not to ignore it, or repress it again. I learned that by repressing what I had painfully remembered was making a choice to live in fear. If I wanted to live my life’s purpose, I had to begin to learn to forget how to forget. It wasn’t an easy path or the path of least resistance, but it was the only way I could see to begin to create the life I wanted.

My PTSD was the catalyst of change for me. I had to face certain truths about myself and was forced to look at the direction my life was going. Was I going to continue to allow my perpetrators to define who I am and how I live my life? Or do I find the strength to uncover who I really am at my core and how I want to live my life moving forward?  My illness gave me the choice to put my foot down and say, “enough is enough. I am not going to ride the tide of fortune and misfortune anymore. I’m going to make different choices because I have the power to do so.”

It’s been a very painful, yet purposeful journey the past eight years. I am resolute on my goal of living with my eyes wide open, blinders off. To continually operate in a place of self-discovery, growth, and change.  Creating and restructuring my life’s purpose, choosing who I want to be is a lifelong, ever changing, non-linear journey but it’s empowering to know that often with each change, I grow and emerge stronger than before.

book

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

 

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33 thoughts on “The Flow of Self-Discovery

  1. I think that some people may use numbing as a coping mechanism. But, I have worked really hard not to numb myself from feelings and the truth, because I lived my life cleaving the past out of my conscienceness before I recovered my memories. Does that make sense?

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  2. Thank You so much, Daisy. Your feedback does mean a lot to me! So sorry to hear about your rough patch. Im glad that the post was reassuring. Sending you support as yiu ride that wave. Have a good weekend my friend. 💕A

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  3. I forgot to ask you, if you would be willing to give Untangled a review on Amazon? The more 5 star reviews it has, the easier it is for people to find the book. You can use a different name, and it can as short or long as you feel comfortable. Hard for me to ask, but Im trying to get better at it. Thank You!! 🙂

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  4. Alexis, I think we might have an angel in common, haha.

    Today, I woke up thinking of the term alchemy and how it relates to my PTSD….alchemy is, in essence, taking crap and making it beautiful; a magical process of transformation. Your book shows that perfectly. I find myself relating to you more and more, as I too, have this heaviness about me (not nearly as much trauma as you’ve had, though), yet I strive for beauty, peace, love, contentment. One way I achieve this is being of service to others, similar to what you convey.

    You’re a kindred soul. I’m honored to have met you at this point in my journey! ~Hugs

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  5. Thank You Nancy! Funny you should mention that you think of me; I think of you as well! You are such an inspiration to me. That is a great idea about a trigger log. A really good idea. I have recently downloaded a mood journal app and changed it to “where am I on the scale of F*ed upedness at the moment scale. (My sense of humor) So when it goes off 5 or 6 times a day, I stop and record where I am and why. right now it’s all about the Fall since this is a triggering time of year for me. I intend to do it for a year to really take a look at how I do throughout the day. I think it will also help me see, that I’m not triggered all day long. I actually have some really, really good moments in the day. I know that logically, but it’s good to see it recorded. Have a good evening my friend. Sending much love to you! xx

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  6. Beautiful transparency. PTSD has invisible triggers, also, out of our control. But, I started a trigger log, so each time the gun goes off, I chronicle where I was, what I was doing, what I read, etc. I now recognize several of my triggers which make it easier for me to control them rather than let them define me. You are truly an inspiration. You’ve much to overcome. I think of you often, Alexis, and pray for you as well. ❤ you dear one

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