The Flow of Self-Discovery

The past eight years has been a whirlwind of change for me. My life turned upside down because of my post-traumatic stress disorder and I had to decide, both consciously and unconsciously to heal, to change, or I would most probably die. It’s a sobering thought as I sit down to write this, but it was true. One day, very early on in therapy, my therapist and I were discussing the book The Alchemist, and he asked me to go home and think about what I wanted my personal legend to be and report it back to him in our next session. I took that homework very seriously, and I decided that my personal legend was to know the entire truth of my past, live with my eyes wide open, blinders off. To continually operate in a place of self-discovery, growth, and change. I knew how I was going to meet some of those goals but was at a loss on how I was going to maintain the intention of what I wanted my life’s purpose to look like as I continue to grow and change through time and experience.

I know the definition of my life’s purpose is who I want to be. I know I’m the author of my own story, and I get to choose how I want to be in the world. At this point in my life, it’s about choices and being proactive rather than reactive. It’s about aligning my personal values and beliefs with my actions and words while maintaining my integrity.

At the beginning of my endeavor it often looked like a question/answer session. What does it mean to live life with my eyes wide open? Is it about knowing and accepting the past without forgetting it, so I can become my version of complete? Or is it a metamorphosis of who I was, who I am and who I will be? Maybe it’s all three. As I think about how I want to spend my life and who I want to be, I am guided by a more mature and spiritual self because of the time I spent in therapy, meditation, growth and self-reflection.

I love that we live in a time where self-discovery is an accepted way of life. I spent so much time in fear and hiding, squelching any dream of a life lived, only a life survived. Now, most times, I am able to live, speak, listen and learn from a place of safety and truth. Discovering the wonder and accepting of life and what it has to offer. Not getting in the way of who I am, and instead, letting myself be who I am, without my ego reminding me of the should haves, did nots, or can nots.

Self-discovery also comes with the knowledge that the truth often hurts and is uncomfortable on many levels including physical, spiritual, emotional and mental. There were times when I would begin processing a memory and I had to fight not to ignore it, or repress it again. I learned that by repressing what I had painfully remembered was making a choice to live in fear. If I wanted to live my life’s purpose, I had to begin to learn to forget how to forget. It wasn’t an easy path or the path of least resistance, but it was the only way I could see to begin to create the life I wanted.

My PTSD was the catalyst of change for me. I had to face certain truths about myself and was forced to look at the direction my life was going. Was I going to continue to allow my perpetrators to define who I am and how I live my life? Or do I find the strength to uncover who I really am at my core and how I want to live my life moving forward?  My illness gave me the choice to put my foot down and say, “enough is enough. I am not going to ride the tide of fortune and misfortune anymore. I’m going to make different choices because I have the power to do so.”

It’s been a very painful, yet purposeful journey the past eight years. I am resolute on my goal of living with my eyes wide open, blinders off. To continually operate in a place of self-discovery, growth, and change.  Creating and restructuring my life’s purpose, choosing who I want to be is a lifelong, ever changing, non-linear journey but it’s empowering to know that often with each change, I grow and emerge stronger than before.

book

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

 

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33 thoughts on “The Flow of Self-Discovery

  1. Skylar February 16, 2017 / 4:11 pm

    Yes it does thank you so much i just needed some closure.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Alexis Rose February 16, 2017 / 3:34 pm

    I think that some people may use numbing as a coping mechanism. But, I have worked really hard not to numb myself from feelings and the truth, because I lived my life cleaving the past out of my conscienceness before I recovered my memories. Does that make sense?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Skylar February 16, 2017 / 3:24 pm

    Do you think if you try to numb yourself from the things you try to ignore can that be a way of self-assurance.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alexis Rose October 21, 2016 / 1:01 pm

    Thank You so much, Daisy. Your feedback does mean a lot to me! So sorry to hear about your rough patch. Im glad that the post was reassuring. Sending you support as yiu ride that wave. Have a good weekend my friend. 💕A

    Like

  5. Daisy in the Willows October 21, 2016 / 7:15 am

    I’m going through a rough patch at the mo and it is rather empowering and reassuring to read your reflections and know that pain is okay and we can work through it. Thank you, A.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Alexis Rose October 19, 2016 / 6:23 pm

    I think so too. Im glad we are connected through our blogs. 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  7. bethanyk October 19, 2016 / 5:43 pm

    We have similar paths. Thank you for sharing your story!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. K E Garland October 18, 2016 / 10:23 pm

    You make a good point Alexis. Living aware is challenging if you’ve been suppressing all of these years. It requires a whole new skill set.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Alexis Rose October 18, 2016 / 10:01 pm

    Thank You for reblogging this post, Kate. I really appreciate it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Just Me October 18, 2016 / 7:34 pm

    🙂 my pleasure! thank you again for your book…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Alexis Rose October 18, 2016 / 7:14 pm

    THANK YOU! That is so wonderful! What an awesome review. I sprouted tears. 😂 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Just Me October 18, 2016 / 7:11 pm

    lol, so true….hope you like it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Alexis Rose October 18, 2016 / 7:11 pm

    Always confidential. In fact, I dont think Amazon is allowed to give out reviewers emails. That would be awful…especially for those who give bad reviews. Can you imagine? 😱

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Just Me October 18, 2016 / 5:04 pm

    so very welcome….review is done. thank you in advance for keeping my email private. 🙂 you rock, ladybug! hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Just Me October 18, 2016 / 2:58 pm

    yes, of course….already gave it a like, I think, but not an actual review yet! my bad! thanks for your patience….will do by end of day…. hugs! :o)))

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Alexis Rose October 18, 2016 / 1:00 pm

    I forgot to ask you, if you would be willing to give Untangled a review on Amazon? The more 5 star reviews it has, the easier it is for people to find the book. You can use a different name, and it can as short or long as you feel comfortable. Hard for me to ask, but Im trying to get better at it. Thank You!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Alexis Rose October 18, 2016 / 12:20 pm

    Thank You. Your comment is so beautifully written. I love becomming the voice of truth. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  18. emergingfromthedarknight October 18, 2016 / 6:11 am

    This is beautiful. So honest, affirmative and real. We find freedom from facing our past and making better choices in present which we cannot do as long as our past remains unresolved. Then we can become a voice of truth.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Alexis Rose October 18, 2016 / 1:53 am

    I love the universe! So grateful we connected. Kindred Souls walking together! 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Just Me October 18, 2016 / 12:04 am

    Alexis, I think we might have an angel in common, haha.

    Today, I woke up thinking of the term alchemy and how it relates to my PTSD….alchemy is, in essence, taking crap and making it beautiful; a magical process of transformation. Your book shows that perfectly. I find myself relating to you more and more, as I too, have this heaviness about me (not nearly as much trauma as you’ve had, though), yet I strive for beauty, peace, love, contentment. One way I achieve this is being of service to others, similar to what you convey.

    You’re a kindred soul. I’m honored to have met you at this point in my journey! ~Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Alexis Rose October 17, 2016 / 7:33 pm

    Thank You Nancy! Funny you should mention that you think of me; I think of you as well! You are such an inspiration to me. That is a great idea about a trigger log. A really good idea. I have recently downloaded a mood journal app and changed it to “where am I on the scale of F*ed upedness at the moment scale. (My sense of humor) So when it goes off 5 or 6 times a day, I stop and record where I am and why. right now it’s all about the Fall since this is a triggering time of year for me. I intend to do it for a year to really take a look at how I do throughout the day. I think it will also help me see, that I’m not triggered all day long. I actually have some really, really good moments in the day. I know that logically, but it’s good to see it recorded. Have a good evening my friend. Sending much love to you! xx

    Like

  22. Nancy J October 17, 2016 / 6:48 pm

    Beautiful transparency. PTSD has invisible triggers, also, out of our control. But, I started a trigger log, so each time the gun goes off, I chronicle where I was, what I was doing, what I read, etc. I now recognize several of my triggers which make it easier for me to control them rather than let them define me. You are truly an inspiration. You’ve much to overcome. I think of you often, Alexis, and pray for you as well. ❤ you dear one

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Alexis Rose October 17, 2016 / 5:44 pm

    Some days, weeks, months are just so blasted hard. You do a great job of navigating the choppy waters of your past. Im holding your hand across the big pond that seperates us. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  24. summerstartstoshine October 17, 2016 / 2:52 pm

    Very inspiring xxx I am struggling with my past today, I could do with some of your wisdom. I need to dig deep within myself x

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Alexis Rose October 17, 2016 / 2:47 pm

    Thank You. I appreciate that very much. That kind of feedback keeps me hitting the publish button. Have a wonderful day. 🙂 Alexis

    Liked by 2 people

  26. feistyfroggy October 17, 2016 / 2:42 pm

    You are very brave and should be very proud of yourself for coming such a long way!

    Liked by 2 people

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