I’m sitting in this place of peace. Listening to the water splashing over the rocks, over this mini rapids. The water sparkles like diamonds as the sun plays upon it. The eagles and other various birds are flying overhead and occasionally landing on the bare branched trees in pairs of two or three. Sometimes they rest on the rock and also seem to be gazing out over the restless water. Next to me in the tree, I watch a spider lord over her intricate web that is filled with little bugs trapped in her silk. Off in the distance, tall purple flowers are swaying just a bit in the breeze. My triggers are reset. I am at peace, not judging, not thinking, not talking, and just resting.
Then out of the blue, it happens. First, it comes as a sort of uneasiness in my stomach, and then the diamond reflections on the water became cartoonish, the bugs in the background are the noises of the forest in a different time and continent. A wave of emotion takes my breath away and my lungs seem to stop with fear as the world starts to morph. I can feel myself being pulled away. In my distant mind, just before I’m lurched into the past, I can hear myself think just sit with it until it passes. I feel myself stand up, watching, reliving “it” happening. Whatever the “it” for this particular flashback brings.
It passes. The water becomes fluid again, the breeze touches my ice cold skin in the burning sun, the muscles in my stomach, head, arms and lungs ache from being contracted and I am standing. I wonder what did I do wrong in this place where just moments ago, I felt wonderful, restful and safe. How did it turn into a place where I was no longer grounded, hurling through the past. Why wasn’t I still there with everyone else who is gazing at the rapids? How is it that I can turn a normal, beautiful moment into the ugliness of a flashback. I ask myself, what’s wrong with me?
I want to turn and walk away. But, I don’t, instead, I look at this nature filled place I’m visiting, sit down and understand that I had a flashback, I was triggered by something (wind, sounds, the light hitting the water in a certain way, etc.) For me, this is how my PTSD manifests itself. That’s what my struggle looks like right now. It’s frustrating, but I’m not going to let it take the beauty out of the world around me. I’m not going to hide from the many, places of peace.
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
Untangled 
I have lots of inner landscapes that I go to for orace if mind. 😀
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Alexis , do you have a place like this where you can go to in your mind if you feel triggered? It’s only a thought…
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I know, flashbacks are the one symptom that still have a firm chokehold on me. 💜
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I have this happen to me All the time. I wish I knew how to ward off the flashbacks but it doesnt seem possible
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Thank You Nancy. You hit it absolutely correct when you said invisible triggers. It’s hard to explain that’s what happens, especially when someone hasn’t experienced that. As always, I appreciate that we are connected here in the blogging world. Alexis
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Odd how that happens, isn’t it. Invisible triggers can’t be dealt with because we don’t know what causes them. But, when they pass, it’s like a light switch. Baffles me. Great post.
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❤️
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The rains should come soon here but its been hot and really dry….. And plenty of mosquitoes! So yes let’s swelter together. Lovely weekend to you too Alexis……hugs….Gina
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Thank You for your comment Mother Willow. You gave me some food for thought too, as I think about how many times before things just become a memory, but not a flashback. It’s always a continuing journey. I’m both grateful and sometimes frustrated with the journey, but feel a sense of ease when we connect through each other’s writing and experiences. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂 Alexis
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Thank You so much Gina! Its so frustrating when my day goes from wonderful to frustrating and uneasy, but I know that’s part of the process. I’m so glad you understand, it really helps when I get frustrated. Have a wonderful weekend my friend. It’s equator hot here, so we can swelter together. Lots of love, Alexis
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This passage is so real. How flashbacks come in the midst of our daily lives, out of nowhere, giving us that weird feeling of the past experiences. Looking at it, letting it be, letting it pass, knowing that these flashbacks are a cleanse of sort. They work themselves out until we no longer hold them in our deep consciousnessl. How many cleanses do we need to go through in this life to finally find our true freedom, our inner peace. Thank you for writing this Alexis Rose, it gave me much thought for reflection.
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recognising the triggers is a step closer to conquering it and making it into a good memory….i too try…but sometimes the trigger is so powerful i am paralyzed and today reading your words i am comforted i am not alone….we must have these special places of peace we can find within ourselves too…wishing you peace above reason and joy above the painful steps you must tread…..hugs…gina
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