If I could draw; A bad day with PTSD

I often wish I had the gift of being able to draw or paint. I don’t…really…I don’t! But I do have the gift of words. Descriptions that can hopefully bring what I wish I could draw or paint on canvas to life on a blank page. This week has been one of those weeks. It doesn’t matter what my intentions are, sometimes I’m going to have a hard time. It’s part of living with complex PTSD.

I have an extremely talented painter friend. I often text the words, “If I could paint a picture,” and proceed to text her a photo of what I’ve just drawn. She is wonderful, always tells me how creepy, cool, sad, dramatic, haunting my drawings are. She always guesses what I’m trying to convey and I love her for that. We have known each other since we’ve been 17 years old, so often I don’t even have to speak and she knows what’s going on my head.

Yesterday, I drew. I could see everything so clearly in my mind. I knew the depth, the color scheme, the graininess of the paper, everything, except I couldn’t draw it. It lost all its meaning, so I wrote what I saw in my mind, and I’m satisfied with the description of, “If I could draw my bad day with PTSD this is what it would look like:

The sky is cloudless and a deep turquoise blue. A single raven is soaring high and away from the dusty, sandy terrain. A solitary, barren looking, one level non-descript desert beige building, stands in the middle of no-where. The building is foreboding, no windows and no way to ever image what horrors go on in there. As the beat up, emotionally ruined girl staggers out, a shadow looms on the left. It is enormous and high and humidity sweats down from its ghastly shape. She hears sounds, the choke-hold echoes of the past, and then she notices the skeleton hands reaching from the scraggly bush nearly touching her. She sits down, head in hands, knees scrunched up, head lowered. A posture of turning inward, shutting down, wondering if it will ever end, or if this is an exercise in futility.

I’m glad every day isn’t like that, and I’m glad that when those moments happen, at this point on my healing journey it isn’t an all day event, but some days, like yesterday, the waves I had to ride were enormous and unsettling. I wanted to draw it out of me, get it from inside my mind and body, to the paper. I knew that if I could see it, it would have less of a hold on me, it would dissipate in strength and begin to lose it power.

Even though I may not have the talent to publicly display my artwork, I can still draw, I can still paint, but most importantly to me, I can write. I can describe how the world looks, feels, tastes and smells and sounds. I can touch the depth of the emotion and write what a bad day with PTSD is like for me.

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photo:pixaby

 

Thank you for reading Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

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24 thoughts on “If I could draw; A bad day with PTSD

  1. atribeuntangled June 14, 2016 / 3:09 pm

    Thank You so much for your kind words! I really appreciate that this is relatable. Makes it all a less lonely journey. Take good care. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. didandme12 June 14, 2016 / 2:45 pm

    I love this! Feels so much like that for me right now. Sometimes I wish I could draw it out too. Thank you for being open and sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 7:47 pm

    Thank You Shari, I really appreciate your support. Have a great weekend! Alexis

    Like

  4. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 7:46 pm

    Thank You Terry. Your support always means the world to me. You have a happy, dancing weekend! 💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. spearfruit June 10, 2016 / 5:29 pm

    And a wonderful writer you are Alexis! Thank you for sharing, you had me at every word. Happy Friday my friend! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sheri June 10, 2016 / 5:03 pm

    Your words paint a powerful picture.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 3:01 pm

    Thank You for your feedback and for re-blogging this post. I agree about creativity. Those times when we don’t think we can muster the strength and we do it anyways is an amazing coping tool.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mychildwithin June 10, 2016 / 2:57 pm

    Reblogged this on my child within and commented:
    Beautiful post! Creativity is always soothing if you are having a bad day, whatever form it may take!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 2:52 pm

    Thank You Jack…that was yesterday. Today, I’m enjoying the soupy heat out there. xoxo

    Like

  10. Jacqueline Zeigler June 10, 2016 / 2:45 pm

    Oh that curling in. Grab hold of something in the room dearie. It will be over soon. Promise. Pinkie square. Text me I’m here

    Liked by 1 person

  11. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 2:06 pm

    Thank You Jenny marie, I really apprecaite your feedback! Today has been a very good day so far. You have a good day and weekend as well! Alexis

    Liked by 1 person

  12. jennymarie4 June 10, 2016 / 2:04 pm

    What a great description! Haunting. Hope you have a good day today 💐

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I Sing the Body Electric June 10, 2016 / 1:27 pm

    Ok I’ve sent it to the gmail one, hope you get it, it says sent. Its two vids (but it’s my personal email so you might not recognise sender ;0

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I Sing the Body Electric June 10, 2016 / 1:22 pm

    Ok I’ll forward it on again 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 1:22 pm

    yes. Hmmmm, try sending it again. My computer and phone have been kind of bitchy this week.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I Sing the Body Electric June 10, 2016 / 1:15 pm

    I love raw writing, raw and beautiful, from the heart, descriptive, chilling, true etc. This is all of this. It’s personal, but that’s what makes it so special. I wish I could express what goes on in my head via art too, but writing is no lesser a form of art. I had an amazing healing experience yesterday with my spiritual guru, AWESOME! I feel fantastic! I sent you a email, hope you got it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. atribeuntangled June 10, 2016 / 1:09 pm

    Thank You so much! That means the world to me. It was one of those, do I push publish posts. I’m now glad I did. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I Sing the Body Electric June 10, 2016 / 1:07 pm

    This gave me shivers Alexis. Beautiful. You are so talented 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

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