I often wish I had the gift of being able to draw or paint. I don’t…really…I don’t! But I do have the gift of words. Descriptions that can hopefully bring what I wish I could draw or paint on canvas to life on a blank page. This week has been one of those weeks. It doesn’t matter what my intentions are, sometimes I’m going to have a hard time. It’s part of living with complex PTSD.
I have an extremely talented painter friend. I often text the words, “If I could paint a picture,” and proceed to text her a photo of what I’ve just drawn. She is wonderful, always tells me how creepy, cool, sad, dramatic, haunting my drawings are. She always guesses what I’m trying to convey and I love her for that. We have known each other since we’ve been 17 years old, so often I don’t even have to speak and she knows what’s going on my head.
Yesterday, I drew. I could see everything so clearly in my mind. I knew the depth, the color scheme, the graininess of the paper, everything, except I couldn’t draw it. It lost all its meaning, so I wrote what I saw in my mind, and I’m satisfied with the description of, “If I could draw my bad day with PTSD this is what it would look like:
The sky is cloudless and a deep turquoise blue. A single raven is soaring high and away from the dusty, sandy terrain. A solitary, barren looking, one level non-descript desert beige building, stands in the middle of no-where. The building is foreboding, no windows and no way to ever image what horrors go on in there. As the beat up, emotionally ruined girl staggers out, a shadow looms on the left. It is enormous and high and humidity sweats down from its ghastly shape. She hears sounds, the choke-hold echoes of the past, and then she notices the skeleton hands reaching from the scraggly bush nearly touching her. She sits down, head in hands, knees scrunched up, head lowered. A posture of turning inward, shutting down, wondering if it will ever end, or if this is an exercise in futility.
I’m glad every day isn’t like that, and I’m glad that when those moments happen, at this point on my healing journey it isn’t an all day event, but some days, like yesterday, the waves I had to ride were enormous and unsettling. I wanted to draw it out of me, get it from inside my mind and body, to the paper. I knew that if I could see it, it would have less of a hold on me, it would dissipate in strength and begin to lose it power.
Even though I may not have the talent to publicly display my artwork, I can still draw, I can still paint, but most importantly to me, I can write. I can describe how the world looks, feels, tastes and smells and sounds. I can touch the depth of the emotion and write what a bad day with PTSD is like for me.
photo:pixaby
Thank you for reading Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
Untangled 
Thank You so much for your kind words! I really appreciate that this is relatable. Makes it all a less lonely journey. Take good care. 💜
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I love this! Feels so much like that for me right now. Sometimes I wish I could draw it out too. Thank you for being open and sharing.
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Thank You Shari, I really appreciate your support. Have a great weekend! Alexis
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Thank You Terry. Your support always means the world to me. You have a happy, dancing weekend! 💜💜
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And a wonderful writer you are Alexis! Thank you for sharing, you had me at every word. Happy Friday my friend! 🙂
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Your words paint a powerful picture.
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It has always helped me immensely in my darkest moments..
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Thank You for your feedback and for re-blogging this post. I agree about creativity. Those times when we don’t think we can muster the strength and we do it anyways is an amazing coping tool.
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Reblogged this on my child within and commented:
Beautiful post! Creativity is always soothing if you are having a bad day, whatever form it may take!
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Thank You Jack…that was yesterday. Today, I’m enjoying the soupy heat out there. xoxo
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Oh that curling in. Grab hold of something in the room dearie. It will be over soon. Promise. Pinkie square. Text me I’m here
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Thank you Alexis! I will 😊☀️
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Thank You Jenny marie, I really apprecaite your feedback! Today has been a very good day so far. You have a good day and weekend as well! Alexis
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What a great description! Haunting. Hope you have a good day today 💐
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Got it! 🙂
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Ok I’ve sent it to the gmail one, hope you get it, it says sent. Its two vids (but it’s my personal email so you might not recognise sender ;0
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atribeuntangled@yahoo.com is my alternate email.
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Ok I’ll forward it on again 🙂
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yes. Hmmmm, try sending it again. My computer and phone have been kind of bitchy this week.
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is it atribeuntangled@gmail.com?
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I did not get it. Weird! can you send it again?
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I love raw writing, raw and beautiful, from the heart, descriptive, chilling, true etc. This is all of this. It’s personal, but that’s what makes it so special. I wish I could express what goes on in my head via art too, but writing is no lesser a form of art. I had an amazing healing experience yesterday with my spiritual guru, AWESOME! I feel fantastic! I sent you a email, hope you got it 🙂
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Thank You so much! That means the world to me. It was one of those, do I push publish posts. I’m now glad I did. xxx
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This gave me shivers Alexis. Beautiful. You are so talented 💜💜💜
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