The silence was the worst sometimes.

That moment when an abusive event ends the silence is sometimes the most uncomfortable part of being hurt.  It’s a strange feeling to see someone who has just hurt you in ways that are abhorrent just turn around and walk away.

Watching them leave, it felt as if they were also taking a little piece of my spirit with them, leaving another tatter, another rip in my already shredded soul. It wasn’t very often that my abusers would say anything when they are finished.

The feeling of invisibility was palpable. No yelling, crying, blaming, scolding; they just simply finish and leave. It’s a rather powerless feeling because they don’t acknowledge me or what they did. That spirit shredding powerlessness always left me with a dark heaviness.

I’m sure sometimes I was crying as they left. I know I was certainly in enough pain physically, emotionally and psychologically to cry. But often I would just stare at them as they walked away. Watching them go, I sometimes asked myself, why did that happen to me? But other times, I silently observed as they moved away from me as if I didn’t exist.  As if what just happened didn’t really happen at all. Their demeanor towards me was complete neutrality. It was as if I was a stranger who was just in their airspace, detached in a way that if they saw me on the street in five minutes, they wouldn’t even remember who I was.

There was always that little while no matter the place, the who or the when something happened, that the “after” was accompanied by a thick silence. Alone, with my mind now telling me, “okay, it’s over; stand up, clean up, unconsciously compartmentalize what just happened, and move on to survive whatever comes next.

The silence can by the worst sometimes.




22 thoughts on “Silence

  1. Thank You so much for your comment. when my book was published in August, I announced to myself that I was silent no more. I’m so sad that you can relate to this and also so glad we connected since we both can relate to this. Does that make sense? Have a wonderful evening! Alexis


  2. Wow, as I read this, my heart started beating faster and then it dropped right into my gut. I absolutely remember. How could I forget?? No matter how many times I try to forget it. I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your truthfulness and being so raw and real. It helps to talk about it, I know for me that’s the truth. Don’t be silent anymore!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank You Nancy for your kind words and support. You always write so elequently and can hear your voice loud and clear as an advocate. Im so grateful we have connected. ❤️ Alexis


  4. Heart breaking words. I know those feelings that you have expressed so well – cathartic but oh so painful to relive. You a true warrior. I am positive that sharing your story and the deepest scars in you soul is saving other’s lives. I feel so close to you. Stay strong. Those monsters cannot steal your soul. God, I hate traffickers, pedophiles, rapists, and abusers. It angers me and drives me to do all I can to be a voice for the voiceless, just as you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Its really inspiring to read your words and your incredible journey. I look forward to read more from your blog and be empowered to stand up for “me”. thank you for your lovely reply! Healing is a long slow process and sometimes we slide back to where we started so its good to have people like you that put to words that which we can’t even speak about. Hugs from across the miles to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank You for your feedback. I really, really appreciate the honesty in your comment. For me, writing has been my road to freedom. I kept finding that when I wrote my truth and “nothing bad” happened that I was taking some power back. I was told, threatened to never talk about anything or else…
    My therapist worked really hard to teach me to trust my voice. When I wrote and published my memoir last Fall (all names and places were changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent) it has proved to be an incredible experience. Mostly because I have been able to connect with people just like yourself. Its all anout the baby steps for me. I just read your scars post. Your writing is so powerful! Im glad we connected. 💜 Alexis

    Liked by 1 person

  7. How can you write about the things that tear at your very soul and reason it out ? How do you put your emotions to words when you are hurting so much? How do you tell the story of abuse and recovery with such tenderness? I am in awe of you. Please know your words mean so much to me. You are really brave to talk about this, I am still talking in riddles because the truth still hurts too much to be told.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank You! I really appreciate your feedback. Its a weird thing to think about, and Im glad (and also sad, if that makes sense) you understand. Have a great weekend! Alexis


  9. I can understand why the silence after your abuse was so harrowing and traumatic as they are de-humanising you acting like you don’t exist by being silent. My abuse also happened in silence and although I have never brought it up with the abuser I know if I did that would be greeted by silence, denial and assertions that they did not remember either.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s