Silence

The silence was the worst sometimes.

That moment when an abusive event ends the silence is sometimes the most uncomfortable part of being hurt.  It’s a strange feeling to see someone who has just hurt you in ways that are abhorrent just turn around and walk away.

Watching them leave, it felt as if they were also taking a little piece of my spirit with them, leaving another tatter, another rip in my already shredded soul. It wasn’t very often that my abusers would say anything when they are finished.

The feeling of invisibility was palpable. No yelling, crying, blaming, scolding; they just simply finish and leave. It’s a rather powerless feeling because they don’t acknowledge me or what they did. That spirit shredding powerlessness always left me with a dark heaviness.

I’m sure sometimes I was crying as they left. I know I was certainly in enough pain physically, emotionally and psychologically to cry. But often I would just stare at them as they walked away. Watching them go, I sometimes asked myself, why did that happen to me? But other times, I silently observed as they moved away from me as if I didn’t exist.  As if what just happened didn’t really happen at all. Their demeanor towards me was complete neutrality. It was as if I was a stranger who was just in their airspace, detached in a way that if they saw me on the street in five minutes, they wouldn’t even remember who I was.

There was always that little while no matter the place, the who or the when something happened, that the “after” was accompanied by a thick silence. Alone, with my mind now telling me, “okay, it’s over; stand up, clean up, unconsciously compartmentalize what just happened, and move on to survive whatever comes next.

The silence can by the worst sometimes.

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Silence

  1. atribeuntangled May 26, 2016 / 4:45 am

    I agree! Thank You so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Alexis

    Like

  2. heavenlyrevelationsfromdaddy May 26, 2016 / 4:11 am

    I find it remarkable that those of us who have suffered abuse and trauma have to explain our lives to our inner child and move into adulthood. Thank you for being real.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. atribeuntangled May 20, 2016 / 12:00 am

    Thank You so much for your comment. when my book was published in August, I announced to myself that I was silent no more. I’m so sad that you can relate to this and also so glad we connected since we both can relate to this. Does that make sense? Have a wonderful evening! Alexis

    Like

  4. comingoutfromthedark May 19, 2016 / 8:37 pm

    Wow, as I read this, my heart started beating faster and then it dropped right into my gut. I absolutely remember. How could I forget?? No matter how many times I try to forget it. I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your truthfulness and being so raw and real. It helps to talk about it, I know for me that’s the truth. Don’t be silent anymore!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ambivalencegirl May 16, 2016 / 10:27 pm

    Silence can take many forms. It can also be the abuse. The disapproval and fine I just won’t talk to you. Silence was scary. It meant something bad and really it was the worst punishment.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. atribeuntangled May 15, 2016 / 4:03 am

    Thank You Nancy for your kind words and support. You always write so elequently and can hear your voice loud and clear as an advocate. Im so grateful we have connected. ❤️ Alexis

    Like

  7. Nancy J May 15, 2016 / 3:43 am

    Heart breaking words. I know those feelings that you have expressed so well – cathartic but oh so painful to relive. You a true warrior. I am positive that sharing your story and the deepest scars in you soul is saving other’s lives. I feel so close to you. Stay strong. Those monsters cannot steal your soul. God, I hate traffickers, pedophiles, rapists, and abusers. It angers me and drives me to do all I can to be a voice for the voiceless, just as you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Singledust May 15, 2016 / 1:28 am

    Sorry to hear that Alexis. You are in my thoughts, hope some energy flows your way soon. Gina.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. atribeuntangled May 15, 2016 / 1:25 am

    ❤️ Your words just made my really difficult evening SO much better. XO Alexis

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Singledust May 15, 2016 / 1:04 am

    Its really inspiring to read your words and your incredible journey. I look forward to read more from your blog and be empowered to stand up for “me”. thank you for your lovely reply! Healing is a long slow process and sometimes we slide back to where we started so its good to have people like you that put to words that which we can’t even speak about. Hugs from across the miles to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. atribeuntangled May 14, 2016 / 12:49 pm

    Thank You for your feedback. I really, really appreciate the honesty in your comment. For me, writing has been my road to freedom. I kept finding that when I wrote my truth and “nothing bad” happened that I was taking some power back. I was told, threatened to never talk about anything or else…
    My therapist worked really hard to teach me to trust my voice. When I wrote and published my memoir last Fall (all names and places were changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent) it has proved to be an incredible experience. Mostly because I have been able to connect with people just like yourself. Its all anout the baby steps for me. I just read your scars post. Your writing is so powerful! Im glad we connected. 💜 Alexis

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Singledust May 14, 2016 / 6:51 am

    How can you write about the things that tear at your very soul and reason it out ? How do you put your emotions to words when you are hurting so much? How do you tell the story of abuse and recovery with such tenderness? I am in awe of you. Please know your words mean so much to me. You are really brave to talk about this, I am still talking in riddles because the truth still hurts too much to be told.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. shelleyb552 May 13, 2016 / 10:29 pm

    Silence can sometimes be deafening…. Hugs Alexis….<3

    Liked by 1 person

  14. atribeuntangled May 13, 2016 / 9:18 pm

    Thank You! I really appreciate your feedback. Its a weird thing to think about, and Im glad (and also sad, if that makes sense) you understand. Have a great weekend! Alexis

    Like

  15. carolineturriff May 13, 2016 / 8:46 pm

    I can understand why the silence after your abuse was so harrowing and traumatic as they are de-humanising you acting like you don’t exist by being silent. My abuse also happened in silence and although I have never brought it up with the abuser I know if I did that would be greeted by silence, denial and assertions that they did not remember either.

    Liked by 1 person

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