A Reservoir of left-over Feelings

I once felt I was an object walking around, keenly disguised as a human. A thin veneer of skin covering the hurt, pain, and sorrow that lay underneath. Now I know that I am a whole person who was objectified. I love this feeling, this knowledge, this acceptance. It took me eight long years to get to this point and I make sure I acknowledge my hard work.   It’s a hard-earned, middle finger to my perpetrators that they couldn’t take my humanity, my personness from me.  Where I once had no memory of a past, I now have a congruent, truthful timeline and I’m happy about it. In a bizarre sometimes I can’t wrap my mind around the awful truth kind of happiness. 

But what that has left me with, is a Reservoir of Feelings. I drew the reservoir (I’m not ready to share my artwork here yet) and in it are the following feelings:

Anxiety, depressed, desperation, fear, numb, violated, insignificant, grief, alone, unloved, neglected, shock, pain, confusion, anger, afraid, dirty, sadness, rejected, confusion, disgust, small, loneliness, ugly, abandoned, disappointed, hopeless, betrayed.

Sometimes these feeling are still prevalent in my everyday life, especially when I get triggered and have flashbacks or the anniversary times of the year. They are there, even though I have dealt with and processed the memories. I have dealt with the traumas but these feeling are byproducts of the abuse. The feelings don’t just leave because I have talked about them, written, used art, or emoted over them. It’s okay, I have learned that feelings are time-limited and are like sets of waves, and I have learned to ride them like an expert surfer.

I  also feel lots of love, hope, happiness, contentment, support, and trust, and for that, I am grateful. It makes me smile.

I used to tell myself that if I could take a strainer and scoop out the byproduct of my past I would. Those feelings frustrate me and make me feel like the words of a mind dis-eased. I thought scooping them away meant more room happiness, contentment, hope, and love.  Those feelings are what drive my desire to live. But then I realized that it’s important to have and feel those left over feelings. I wasn’t able to experience them the first four decades of my life. They were repressed, never to be taken out. Now I know that it is a very important part of my healing process, and they cannot be talked, or drawn away. They have to be felt.

So I continue to accept that sometimes the reservoir will get stirred up and wavy, but also remembering to rest and enjoy the calm waters when the waves are still and peaceful. I will let the byproduct of my past continue to come to the surface, knowing that eventually it will spill over and float away to open water, taken away by the currents and becoming part of my past.

That’s where I’m at today. Why am I there? Because it’s spring, a time of year that brings with it triggers, triggers everywhere. And I’m feeling, but more than that, I am hopeful!

 

 

 

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21 thoughts on “A Reservoir of left-over Feelings

  1. atribeuntangled April 9, 2016 / 9:11 pm

    Nope you aren’t crazy. That’s good self-care.

    Like

  2. vshakvamantz April 9, 2016 / 8:19 pm

    Really? I thought I was crazy for not wanting to keep pieces of letters I wrote my sister about what the he’ll is going on here

    Liked by 1 person

  3. atribeuntangled April 9, 2016 / 7:45 pm

    Yes, my therapist has a ton of my pictures so they are out of my house. Its good to know our triggers.

    Like

  4. vshakvamantz April 9, 2016 / 7:14 pm

    I saw a picture on Pinterest, of all places, of a werewolf in a basement that I can’t forget. I tapped on a tag on PTSD, and it brought up some photo manipulations that scared me cold. It was amazing, the exact image of what it would look like to open a basement door and see the creature of your nightmares crawling towards you. Crikes! It touched me and made me feel like “That is what I feel like, when I stop pretending that I haven’t been molested and look into the dark place I put all of those memories.” Your pictures, dear, do they bother you?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. vshakvamantz April 9, 2016 / 4:55 am

    This is very riveting, your labels of your feelings. When you take time to analyze what you feel, you can begin to associate names to the shadows of your emotions and grant your inner child an explanation it deserves so that they lose power. I hope one day you’ll share your art therapy!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ambivalencegirl March 24, 2016 / 10:02 am

    We are never really alone on our journey and all connected in some way. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  7. atribeuntangled March 24, 2016 / 2:56 am

    Thank You so much for commenting. It’s so validating and It helps knowing we are not alone. 💜

    Like

  8. ambivalencegirl March 24, 2016 / 2:22 am

    It’s crazy how we can’t talk away the trauma. My T told me a long time ago that I could talk and talk but that it wouldn’t really heal me. That ultimately I needed to feel. I had no clue what she meant back then or what it meant to breathe into the fear. But I do now. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  9. SandyB March 22, 2016 / 12:40 am

    What a beautiful post. Your transparency brings hope to so many and your eloquent words exude your resiliency. Keep blogging my friend, you’ve found your niche – your way!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. shellb39 March 21, 2016 / 11:06 pm

    Oh my this is good! Sending you lot and lots of love too thought the feelings towards hope!!

    Shelley

    >

    Liked by 2 people

  11. atribeuntangled March 21, 2016 / 7:41 pm

    Thank You Ann. Its amazing (and sad) to hear that you can relate to this post. It helps me to know that others have expereinces the same feelings. Even though it makes me sad that others can relate to what Im saying.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ann E. Laurie March 21, 2016 / 7:37 pm

    I love the part about riding the waves of feeling. And the idea that feelings move like waves. They do move on and settle down, but sometimes I wish the sadness and anguish and loneliness waves weren’t so big!!

    I definitely did not begin to heal until I began to feel. (Forgive rhyme please.) I was numb for decades, too. Was I surprised when the feelings came out. I had no idea they existed.

    Beautiful post.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. atribeuntangled March 21, 2016 / 7:36 pm

    Thank You! You are very much appreciated as I go through this journey. Its amazing to have met so many supportive people in this strange new blogging world.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. spearfruit March 21, 2016 / 7:33 pm

    I am glad you are hopeful – there are many good things this time of the year waiting to bring you happiness. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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