Then I remembered!
I opened my eyes this morning to the sound of the birds happily singing, the leaves gently swaying on the tree outside my window and the heavy smell of morning dew. I took a breath, a perfect moment, Spring is here!
The reason I know that’s how I woke up is because as quick as that, my brain kicked in and the fight began. For a moment in time, I forgot this was the anniversary date of trauma.
Then I remembered!
Now I am struggling to hear the birds singing for what they are, simply birds. I put food in my mouth and swallowed it hoping the feeling of dread, sorrow, pain, grief, fear, humiliation and hopelessness won’t churn it up into globs of nausea and make me wish I had never tried to eat. I go to the gym and work-out hoping the adrenaline kicks in and the feel of my feet on the treadmill will keep me grounded into the here and now.
The f*ing struggle!
My body memories have been reminding me of this upcoming anniversary for about a week now. I know I’m safe, I know I’m okay, I know it won’t happen again. But my body doesn’t realize it. My mind sniffs in the beautiful spring air and my body instantly recoils of the long ago memory of that same air.
I want to go into the woods and just be with the birds, and the leaves and the nature noises. I don’t want to be with the flashback noises. I know the demons of my past are sometimes still stuck inside of me no matter what the backdrop is, and its manifests itself as PTSD. Even though I know I’m in a different and safe environment those demons still eek out…strong, virulent, sometimes unrelenting.
I know I’m healing and my truth, my words set me free. The truth of my words frees up space so the beauty of nature can fill me up and continue to heal me.
But then, I remember!
I know it’s better to always remember what I survived, but it feels so wonderful when I forget.
For now, I will have to be ok with hearing nature noises and accept that sometimes those same noises will trigger a flashback. It’s part of this illness, it’s part of PTSD.
I woke up this morning looking out the window hearing the birds, seeing the sun, smelling the spring air…Then I remembered!