I said goodnight to yesterday before I went to sleep. It was a hard day, coping with the tears, emotions, struggles of symptom management. It was a fall apart at work day. One of the energy workers generously offered to work on me to help alleviate the congestion associated with this nasty cold I have. When she offered, I just stared at her. That deer in the headlights stare that blank stare. I just didn’t know how to gracefully say, no thank-you. All I could think of is I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. Totally unwarranted thoughts towards this sweet, sweet person. But that’s an effect of my trauma.
The person I work for came into the office. My boss is awesome! She understands PTSD and all the doo-dahs that go with it. She took me aside and said it’s okay for you to tell people no thank you. What? It is? I know that intellectually, but yesterday in the workplace with all my symptoms knocking on my coping door, I could only stare. I think I’ve painted the picture. It was just one of those shitty symptom filled days.
That very same boss of mine, who I’m also very lucky to call my friend, texted me later in the day. She said to me, “I think often times when we don’t work correctly we think we are broken. At times, our spirits might be. But I don’t think you are broken at all. I think you/your brain are magnificent! How people live with PTSD is fascinating and inspiring to me. The whys and hows of our brains being so wired for survival are incredible. I am so thankful to see this side of people. It is raw, real and beautiful!”
Raw, real and beautiful! I could hang on to that. I was raw, all day. Just feeling those dinosaur feelings of an unimaginable past. It was real, I was feeling it. All of it, and it was beautiful, although it felt ugly.
So as I said goodnight to yesterday, I told myself that I’m going to wake up tomorrow and feel better and start anew. You know, all the “things” we are supposed to say to ourselves to start a fresh day. But what does that really mean?
Just because the date on the calendar changed am I supposed to wake up and “things” will be different, or is it a way to mark an end to something and begin a new day with hope. I’m just not sure! My therapist works very hard to encourage me to feel. Just feel the way I feel with no judgment. All feelings come and go. There is never the turn your frown upside down kind of pressure. That pressure is put on me, by, well…me!
When I woke up this morning my insides felt the same. My mind is still a mess! I still have fucking PTSD! I don’t really see the light, but I know it is there. It is just beyond my reach, but it is there!
So even though I feel the same as I did yesterday, and truthfully, I’m not sure I would be honoring my story and where I am right now in metabolizing it, if I didn’t feel this way. I believe the day will bring new possibilities. I may feel as if I’m at mile 20 of a 26-mile marathon. But the one thing I refuse to run short of right now is perseverance. Otherwise, I would simply stop. I’m not going to come all this way and stop. So Cheers to today….I hope?