Untangled

I asked, “What am I doing?”  She replied, “Healing.”

Sometimes the loneliness and pain from managing my PTSD symptoms can feel unbearable. I ask myself what am I doing and why?

Then the slippery slope of denial kicks in and I tell myself, It’s not like my life was so terrible, awful when I had my memories repressed and I was living an inauthentic and never be vulnerable life.

Except internally and emotionally it was terrible, awful. I’m much happier with the kinds of relationships that being both vulnerable and authentic has brought to me. I no longer have the people in life who wanted me to be a certain way, act accordingly, hide any emotion except happiness.  I have kept the relationships and formed new ones who are my mirrors, and I am theirs. It’s reciprocal and easier. Most days, its still a lot easier for me to be someone’s mirror, then to accept the goodness they mirror back to me. But I’m working on it.

When I get down, and the exhaustion of healing begins to get the best of me, I stop and acknowledge the wonderful mirrors in my life.