I want to wrap my brain/mind and myself in a straight jacket, cover it with honey and be put in a room with puppies so that I feel the happiness of drooling slimy puppy breath that brings smiles from oozing love.
I want this new person that I sometimes don’t recognize and feels like a shadow to go away and give me room to continue to become the person I was feeling good about working on last week. Even though I didn’t know who I was becoming, at least I felt whole.
I want to deep breathe naturally not because I find myself holding my breath as I come out a flashback.
I want to ease the pain in my body that I know is not really there, but is there because of body memories. How about some medicine for the pain in my psyche that feels so bruised and damaged?
I want to be able to have a conversation with someone that doesn’t sound like I’m speaking through a plexiglass partition, wondering if that is really my voice saying those words; I wonder if the person knows I’m triggered?
I want to know that my pain-filled, mixed-up, fragile brain will settle down and I once again will be able to get back to the business of healing.
I want to know that this week is just a glitch. That I will once again be moving slowly along the scale of fucked-up-edness and that this feeling of sliding into the abyss of PTSD will end and I will not become a sad statistic.
I want to know that even though I don’t have the strength of mind, body and emotion right now that I am still mega-tons stronger than any abuser that ever tried to kill me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually!
It’s been a cloudy week of PTSD!