If I sit really quiet I can keep all my emotions in place. I can keep them inside of my stomach, my biceps, my forearms, my chest and my throat. I can feel those emotions festering, wanting to bubble out, well really wanting to erupt like a powerful volcano. If I move around even a little bit, those emotions start to move around too and try to find a way out of even the tiniest pores. That’s when I crave an emotional rageful event! An adult-sized crying, stomp up and down temper tantrum. It’s what I want…but not really. I know I have to titrate the emotions and they will come out in waves. Then I sit there and wonder why can’t I just get over it?
I know I have to titrate the emotions and they will come out in waves that I can surf knowing that they will be time limited. Afterward in the spent emotional fallout, I wonder why can’t I just get over it? I’ve heard that question whispered for years. From family, friends, but mostly from myself.
I can be the master of minimizing my experiences, with a tired and worn out mantra of “I survived it, so what’s the big deal. Why can’t I just get over it.” It’s tired and worn out because why would I just get over it? I wouldn’t expect someone else to just be okay, would I? No, absolutely not. A person feels the way they feel until they have processed and passed through all the transitions of healing. And if there are multiple events it will take that much longer. So why don’t I show myself that kind of compassion? Well, I think a part of that is because I don’t want to feel the feelings that have been packed down, suppressed for so many years. Unless it’s an event. Then I’m okay with it. Because it will be over and done with it in one sitting and then I will be able to get over it! Except, that’s not how it works.
I can’t even imagine the depths of the grief that still lingers inside of me. Is part of the grief sadness for the life I know I was never destined to have? Maybe. But I chose to make a good life from my lied to, tattered soul. Is it sadness and grief for the life I had? For the pain, the suffering, and the squashing of my potential? Maybe. But I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in spite of what happened to me. So I say to myself again…Why Can’t I Just Get Over It. I survived it once. Yep, I did survive it, because I stuffed all those feelings and emotions as deep down as I could squish them.
Instinct tells me that I need to sit at this crossroad for a while. Just sit with it, metabolize it. This sadness, and grief. The air feels very thin, the oxygen little and the landscape treacherous. I’m not accustomed to this altitude. I hear the dark chasm calling me. I hear the rage screaming for me to release into the wind with a vengeance. This rage named sadness, grief, and no justice.
Last night I saw “the me“ of long ago. It was not something I ever expected, it wasn’t even really a memory; just glimpses, and flashes. With each hour that passes my body wants to expel the feelings. To Just Get Over It. But I’ll be patient and wait on this mountain pass. Feeling the emotions; the unfairness, the anger, hurt, sadness, grief, and know, just know that I will never be able to Just Get Over It. “It” is something that can never be gotten over.
I can learn to live with “it.” I can learn to be okay with who I am, and continue to build a happy, healthy life. But I will never get over it. I shouldn’t have to get over it. I just have to live with it. and yes I did survive it once. Thank God for that, otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing this. Just surviving doesn’t work anymore. Now the goal is to thrive.