Untangled

I will conquer this metaphorical mountain. I can do it. It may be hard. It may feel  emotionally, spiritually and physically excruciating at times, and I can do it.  When I do conquer the mountain, Is that when I will feel content?

It’s my goal to live life with my eyes open, to let go of the person I am not, to own my story, to work through the torture and come out with a gnarly scar and not just with a soft scab over an oozing past. Is that when I will feel content?

To reach out and ask for help, when I feel so vulnerable that I can’t move left or right. To ask “will you take my hand and hold on to it until I feel steady enough to walk beside you again, unaided?” Is that when I will feel content?

When I accept the changes I’m going through, releasing and gently letting go of the protective barriers because they no longer serve me.  Is that when I will feel content?

To “just show up” even when I can’t remember how to be okay. And to accept that sometimes I won’t be okay. Is that when I will feel content?

Knowing that I am safe, and to trust the  safety. To let the safety permeate my body, mind & spirit. Is that when I will feel content?

Understanding that to feel content is as involuntary as breathing. I don’t have to seek it, I don’t have to mark certain milestones along my healing journey. I don’t have to be free from the symptoms of PTSD. I just really have to understand that I’m enough. I was always enough, and that not only am I okay now, I was always okay. Is that when I will feel content? 

To understand that feelings and emotions are fleeting and impermanent, as well as the feelings of contentment. Is that when I will feel content?

Yes, yes I believe that’s when I will feel content. Perhaps I already do!